Out of the Waiting Rooom

In life, people tend to wait for good things to come to them. And by waiting, they miss out. Usually, what you wish for doesn’t fall in your lap; it falls somewhere nearby, and you have to recognize it, stand up, and put in the time and work it takes to get to it. This isn’t because the universe is cruel. It’s because the universe is smart. It has its own cat-string theory and knows we don’t appreciate things that fall into our laps.” – Neil Strauss

Wow, it’s been a long time since I’ve written here.

But that doesn’t mean I haven’t been making progress with my life.

Peep game.

When the summer began, I got a new job at the same company I work for. I got a significant raise and now have benefits because I was previously working as a temp. This job allows me to work 4 10-hour days so now I have Fridays off. I am very happy about this arrangement.

I have recently decided to start going out again seriously. I don’t know if you can call what I did at the beginning of the year serious or not, I don’t remember trying very hard, or necessarily doing the things that I needed to do in those situations. I really need to re-read those posts again. Lately, I have been going out Thursday-Saturday with the sole purpose of talking to women. I go to high quality venues with lots of sets to open. The club. Without my job schedule, Thursday would either not be possible, or would make Fridays 10x worse. There are all kinds of problems that I need to work on when I go out that I will correct in time. In short, I am going out reguarly, I am opening, and I am proud of that.

I am also lifting 3x a week and it feels great. There were all kinds of mental roadblocks that were preventing me before, namely the anxiety of going to a strange gym and being a weakling amongst muscleheads. One day I decided to say “fuck all that shit” and started going and haven’t looked back since. There are times when I have felt like I have could have put a better effort in, but again that will be dealt with in time.

I am also practicing driving lessons once a week with a friend. My test is in one month. My friend thought I could past the test if I were to take it tomorrow. I am also taking swimming lessons once a week.

All in all, I feel like I have been challenging myself on a regular basis. I feel like I am in charge of getting better and taking action to move in that direction, instead of just doing the same ol’ and thinking that things will happen randomly.

Here are two articles that really motivate me.

Tyler from Real Social Dynamics – On Implementing Habits

Ozzie – D.I.W.A. (Do It While Afraid)

Winning is the Only Option

Went out tonight with Hero for the first time in a long time.

For the past 10 months, I had only been to local bars and strip clubs, choosing to get fucked up rather than go places with lots of women to talk to. When I stepped into the club, it was total sensory overload-the blaring music, the ridiculous girl, the setting… I was scared shitless.

Hero opened a few sets and I winged him. I literally ran away from the first one, he stays in his sets long past the point of awkwardness, I just couldn’t take it anymore. Later, I forced myself to stick in there, coming to the conclusion, “fuck these people!” Why do I give them more value than they are worth? Why do I just assume that people are BETTER than me?

No, I didn’t open any sets on my own, but I do feel better about myself because I moved in a positive direction tonight. I had been avoiding going out like this for a long long time, and felt like something was missing from my life as a result. Would I have felt a lot better if I opened? FUCK YEAH!

But there will be a tomorrow. I can’t dwell on the past now. I need to buckle down and just start opening my mouth, something good will come out eventually. The women need me, they just don’t know it yet. I really don’t have any other options, I MUST become successful with women. My life will always feel empty if I don’t. Not saying my mindstate is anywhere near this guys, but I can understand the frustration. What is sad is that he didn’t know that he could change his situation. What is great is that I know I can.

I am going to re-state my goals tomorrow.

The Reset Button, part… I can’t forget how many times I’ve pressed it now.

“It’s been a long time, I shouldn’t have left you…” – Rakim

So I stopped doing this for… however long it’s been since my last post. I decided at that point that it just wasn’t worth my time. I considered just posting privately this blog, or writing in my journal again, but my most consistent has been right here on this blog, so here I am again.

The past few months have seen me veer off the course big time, but I don’t want to dwell on the past. I have slowly been trying to simplify my life, and just keep the most essential goals. I haven’t been going out to much lately, I prefer to sit indoors and read. In fact, I just have two goals as of right now, be more responsible with money and meditate daily. There are some other goals I will add down the line but that is it for now. I will elaborate more on them later.

I want to get to bed at a reasonable time so I am going to sign off now. Until tomorrow!

The Fine Art of Going Out Alone

“Solitude, the feeling and knowledge that one is alone, alienated from the world and oneself-is not an exclusively Mexican characteristic. All men, at some moment in their lives feel themselves to be alone. And they are. To live is to be seperated from what we were in order to approach what we are going to be in the future. Solitude is the profoundest fact of the human condition.” ~ Octavio Paz

I went out alone tonight.

It was Fat Tuesday and I had committed to going out a long time ago. Even after my first day back at my old job, I was convinced that I was going to go out. I have had this thing lately where I actually keep my commitments rather than being the generally flaky guy I normally am.

Still, it wasn’t easy. It was cold outside, and I missed my original bus which I thought was supposed to come at 10:50. As the clock struck 11:15, I decided to head back inside. It was 20 degrees outside, I would wait until the next one came indoors. The next bus came at 11:47, I hopped on it and took the 20 minute bus ride to the bar.

In the back of my mind on the bus ride was the question, “how am I going to get home?” I’d already answered this question in my head: if BartenderMan or Hero are there, ask them for a ride, if not, leave early and take a taxi.

It was really a simple and pragmatic solution. Sometimes I dwell on stupid shit. I’ve found that consistent daily meditation helps remove a lot of needless thoughts (overthinking).

I hadn’t been to a top 40 bar in awhile. I was calm but uncomfortable, the calmness aided by me taking an adderall. The uncomfortable is how I usually feel when I walk into a bar alone. Having a friend to lean on and talk to can be a real crutch when trying to do this PUA shit.

I mean, it’s a totally different experience because you don’t necessarily have anyone to talk to in the most social setting of them all. Some people who go to the bar alone sit in a stool and stare at a TV for hours on end, I’VE BEEN THERE! Lately however, I have struck up conversation with at least one stranger.

I walked into the bar and immediately got complimented on my hair by some dude, then some girl, totally unrelated. I tried striking up conversation with the girl, but it turned out the dude and the girl went to the same HS. After about five minutes, I was just the guy in the middle being ignored, trying to get a drink. The one dude had the LOUDEST voice, I was envious.

“Speak from your diaphragm!” He said.

I eventually said, fuck this shit and go upstairs. I open this one girl, but she is preoccupied because the guy she is with is talking to another girl. I should have been like, “fuck all that shit, I’m your guy tonight.”

As a side note, this was the wackest party in terms of Mardi Gras. First off, I went to college and went to PLENTY of Mardi Gras parties. In college, there would be PLENTY of indecent exposure at those parties whether you had beads or not, you would at least see a titty or something. Not the case tonight!

That’s not to say that naked women with beads was what I was looking for tonight. I actually think the concept of giving a girl a bead because she has lifted up her t-shirt or because she will make out with you is low grade prostitution, and while I’m not against prostitution by any means, I feel like I could save the $20 I would spend on beads and use it to get head from a street whore 3 blocks from where I live.

Anyways, lots of hot ladies running game on guys getting beads in exchange for good conversation from what I saw. Cool. I was inside my head a lot tonight, but I still managed to talk to a few ladies. Some lady I opened thought it was the green light for her to start talking about my hair like two minutes into the conversation, then her and her friend ran their hair through my shit. “Now where are MY beads?” I thought. Sheit.

The night ended by chatting up the coat check girl who actually works with Hero and Spy on occassion. She called me Kid and Play and I busted on her for it. There was no sexuality at all to the conversation, and she apologized for calling me that-I have an afro, not a high-top!

I left a little after 1:30 to ensure that I could catch a cab home. THREE cab drivers drove past me and opened their doors to people that were further down the street than me. When the fourth pulled up, I told him about this, and I told him I was mad at myself because I am just not aggressive enough while those people were.

“No, it’s because you are Black.” He told me.

He went on a diatribe about how he had been robbed three times, all by Black males. “You have a more educated look to you though, Leigh. But a lot of cab drivers don’t see that.”

That made me kind of sad. I understood where he was coming from, but I was still sad.

*Shrugs*

I can’t change the color of my skin. If a cab driver doesn’t want my money, I’ll find one who will!!!

***

So, what did I learn tonight?

The main lesson is that going out alone isn’t that bad. Ultimately, I am going to have to cut down on going out with King Lear, and venture out on my own. This weekend will likely be the first!

A Weekend, It Was.

“Dance like no one is watching. Sing like no one is listening. Love like you’ve never been hurt and live like it’s heaven on Earth.” – Mark Twain

I am employed again.

I got my old job back. I am talking the one I had BEFORE I worked at a bank. This is a job that I actually liked, but it was only ever temporary, and they made it pretty apparent that I would never be hired permanently. Still, it’ll be cool to have (relatively) steady income again.

This weekend, oh this weekend.

Friday:

King Lear and I returned to where we were the night before. We had a good time, I talked to some girls, I didn’t get PISS drunk, but nothing too eventful. I don’t remember any meaningful interactions. Later on, we went to afterhours, then went home. I saw HipsterGirl there, but she was with another guy, I did a half assed attempt at hollering, but in my drunkeness I realized that I am not interested.

Saturday

King Lear woke me up at 10AM to go to a snowboarding party they had down the street from where we live. We misread the flyer for this party because it didn’t start until two. We grabbed some breakfast, drank at a nearby bar, then headed over.

All in all, it was a good time, I met a few girls that I’d never met before, but in the back of my head I found myself worried about getting TOO drunk because I was literally going to be drinking for like 16 hours.

Life is always better without worrying.

We left the snowboarding jam at 7PM, took an hour break at our respective apartments, then headed out to the place I’d now been going to for three nights in a row. It was a small jaunt tonight, I tried to get on a girl I’d been talking to the other night to come with us to the NEXT place we were going, but she wasn’t having it. Oh well.

The next place we went to had a DJ from out of town and was a GREAT time. I spent a good amount of time talking to this girl who had a boyfriend. This normally doesn’t stop me, but then the guy showed up and I moved on. PUA aside, I saw a TON of people I hadn’t seen in awhile at this bar, and I remember the feeling of utter elation at certain points-just really vibing with the music and being around good friends. Sometimes it’s good to have those moments.

After that, we went to afterhours. It had been 15 hours of almost continuous drinking at this point. I was EXHAUSTED. Still, I met a cute girl with FUNNY glasses. I was pretty sure I managed to get a number, but when I got home I could not remember her name and nothing in my phone looked out of place.

It’s funny how I function like that sometimes, like my brain is on autopilot. I also remember talking to a woman who was ugly and had a kid who was my age. She was cool… but yuck.

The next morning I check my facebook only to realize that FunnyG had befriended me on Facebook. Oh, that’s what your name was!

No real exposition on the weekend, because outside of getting fucked up, nothing too crazy happened. I do want to calm down on the red bull flavored shots, those shits make my heart race like a cheetah!

Tomorrow is Mardi Gras, so I’m thinking I’m going to go out. We’ll see…

My HERO!

“We can all be heroes in our virtues, in our homes, in our lives.” – James Ellis

So I went back to the bar I was at last Thursday. Why? Because I thought TeacherGirl would be there! I wanted to clear up any shit that might have been caused by King Lear. I also wanted to figure out if I had gotten a wrong number.

Yes, I know this was a stupid stupid idea. If she gave me a bad number, so what? MOVE ON! However, it perplexes me that she would do such a thing, I feel like I hit it off with her pretty well, and maybe she just dialed it wrong.

She wasn’t there tonight.

I’ll see her again, it’s Pittsburgh, but if I don’t, oh well. Next week, I might go back to 80’s night and see LeaderGirl. The only reason I didn’t go to see LeaderGirl tonight was because I had no cash on hand, and I risked overdrafting at the bar I went to tonight.

King Lear decided not to go tonight, which was one of the rare times I’ve been at this bar without him. I was messaging the dude desperately wanting him to come out because I didn’t want to go out alone. In the end, it wasn’t a big deal. There were no real targets at the bar, and really only his ex-girlfriend hit on me pretty aggressively, but I’m not interested in her at all. Not to say that she isn’t attractive because she is, but she went out with my good friend to the point that she LIVED with him, that is NOT a good idea by any definition of the word!

If anything, I should have gotten at Hero, who was undoubtedly out tonight. Shit, he goes out any night he’s not working. He doesn’t drink anything but water, and goes out with the sole purpose of picking up women, he is a TRUE PUA.

The problem with Hero is that I usually feel uncomfortable when I go out with him. If the place is not up to his standards of girls, and 9/10 times it isn’t, then we have to leave. Most times I do agree with him, there are not enough girls to faciliate opening, but there is definitely work to be done, and oftentimes, we still stand there and do nothing.

Still, sometimes I just want to chill, get comfortable, and see what happens. He doesn’t drink so this is not an option for him. He is die hard. I admire him for this, I really do. If PUA was an army, he’d be first infantry, right there out on the front lines blasting at whomever, not giving a fuck if he died.

I realize that sitting and chilling is not conducive to PUA, and I think that in some ways I am not cut out to be one. Ultimately, all I really want to do is to be able to talk to females and elicit attraction more often than not. I want to get in touch with my core masculine identity and have a consistent roster of girls that I can get in touch with. A byproduct of this is that I will be able to talk to males and females that I’m not interested in.

Hero thinks this is stupid, he is not trying to befriend guys or ugly girls, he is just trying to fuck hot chicks. Sometimes I think that goes against him, because I feel like there is this weird aura that goes around him, that says, “fuck you, I only want your hot chicks!” Whereas with me, I say, “hey if you’re a cool and don’t smell, we can chill and talk, no problem. If you have hot girls around you though, I MUST talk to them.” I don’t make PUA the end all be all of a night, I just try to have the most fun I think that I can possibly have, and sometimes that is after only talking to maybe one girl.

By the way, I’m not trying to paint Hero as a villain or anything, I am just trying demonstrate how our minds our different in the way we go about things. We started PUA at the same time, and by far he has had the most succeess, no disputing that. Still, I feel that I have to have my own journey, as he has to have HIS own journey.

Hero is actually planning to move to Vegas, which is an idea I planned two years ago. He wants to go there for strictly PUA. Jeffy from RSD says that there is no better place on Earth to open women. My idea was to go there just because I think it would be a unique experience-I don’t think you could anywhere in the world that would be like Las Vegas. At first, I’ll admit, I was jealous and tried to discourage him from making this decision, but shortly into the conversation, I realized my wrongdoing and began encouraging him to make this move in his life.

Seriously, I wish him the best of luck, but Hero is so smart I’m sure he won’t have much of a problem. In a way, I am sad because if he’s gone, and Roommate and Crafton don’t really go out anymore, and King Lear is out of commission most nights because he has a girlfriend, then that means I will be going out solo a lot this summer.

Maybe this will be the kick in the butt that I need!

All in all, GREAT times ahead, my friends!

Visualize the Endgame (let’s try this again)

“We do what we have to do in order to do what we want to do.”- Great Debaters

I have no clue what happened to my post yesterday, and honestly I don’t think there was anything TOO important that I needed to re-write the whole thing today. I will however, incorporate parts from yesterday into today’s post.

I am going to keep the blank post, as a reminder that I DID do something that day, even if the content is myseriously gone.

First, let’s  respond to a comment in response to a recent post:

Raba_D writes:

Dude you sound like the pua tylor durden. Relax and drop the porn. Just play the game more. Or you are simply becoming gay.

Well, I don’t think I’m becoming gay.

However, you are absolutely right in that I need to just drop the porn. I decided I woudl stop two days ago (Feb 17) for at least 30 days. It takes around that time to create or break a habit, so I am hoping that the desire will go away after that. It’s funny, whenever I get bored, porn is the first thing I turn to.

Yesterday, I talked about the endgame. I had been watching Heroes, and one of the shows antiheroes/antagonists, Sylar, had been talking about always knowing your outcome before starting something. Sylvester Stallone said the same thing when he was trying to get Rocky produced.

I spent some time visualizing the end game for my own goals:

1.) PUA – Being able to do approach any woman and more often than not, elicit attraction. I see myself at a TOP 40 bar near my house, casually talking to women as if it’s no big deal. The most remarkable thing is my MINDSET, which is devoid of the noise that I usually have when I’m at the bar. I am as calm as I might be if I spent a weekend at a zen retreat. I look to my phone and notice all of the women’s numbers in there, which is such a contrast from a few years ago.

2.) I have finished my rap album, and am now performing here and there at shows locally. The album artwork looks great, and there is even a cool little video on youtube. Every so often, a person I don’t even know tells me that they like my album and I smile about it.

3.) I have applied to grad. school and have been accepted into a Library Science program. The hours are long, but it’s great to have some direction in my life, career wise.

I plan on going out tomorrow, but barring a few events that I really can’t control, I probably won’t have any money. I just checked my bank balance, $3. I do have TONS of food, however. I imagine I will just head to a hipster bar up the street for the night, we’ll see though.