A Weekend, It Was.

“Dance like no one is watching. Sing like no one is listening. Love like you’ve never been hurt and live like it’s heaven on Earth.” – Mark Twain

I am employed again.

I got my old job back. I am talking the one I had BEFORE I worked at a bank. This is a job that I actually liked, but it was only ever temporary, and they made it pretty apparent that I would never be hired permanently. Still, it’ll be cool to have (relatively) steady income again.

This weekend, oh this weekend.

Friday:

King Lear and I returned to where we were the night before. We had a good time, I talked to some girls, I didn’t get PISS drunk, but nothing too eventful. I don’t remember any meaningful interactions. Later on, we went to afterhours, then went home. I saw HipsterGirl there, but she was with another guy, I did a half assed attempt at hollering, but in my drunkeness I realized that I am not interested.

Saturday

King Lear woke me up at 10AM to go to a snowboarding party they had down the street from where we live. We misread the flyer for this party because it didn’t start until two. We grabbed some breakfast, drank at a nearby bar, then headed over.

All in all, it was a good time, I met a few girls that I’d never met before, but in the back of my head I found myself worried about getting TOO drunk because I was literally going to be drinking for like 16 hours.

Life is always better without worrying.

We left the snowboarding jam at 7PM, took an hour break at our respective apartments, then headed out to the place I’d now been going to for three nights in a row. It was a small jaunt tonight, I tried to get on a girl I’d been talking to the other night to come with us to the NEXT place we were going, but she wasn’t having it. Oh well.

The next place we went to had a DJ from out of town and was a GREAT time. I spent a good amount of time talking to this girl who had a boyfriend. This normally doesn’t stop me, but then the guy showed up and I moved on. PUA aside, I saw a TON of people I hadn’t seen in awhile at this bar, and I remember the feeling of utter elation at certain points-just really vibing with the music and being around good friends. Sometimes it’s good to have those moments.

After that, we went to afterhours. It had been 15 hours of almost continuous drinking at this point. I was EXHAUSTED. Still, I met a cute girl with FUNNY glasses. I was pretty sure I managed to get a number, but when I got home I could not remember her name and nothing in my phone looked out of place.

It’s funny how I function like that sometimes, like my brain is on autopilot. I also remember talking to a woman who was ugly and had a kid who was my age. She was cool… but yuck.

The next morning I check my facebook only to realize that FunnyG had befriended me on Facebook. Oh, that’s what your name was!

No real exposition on the weekend, because outside of getting fucked up, nothing too crazy happened. I do want to calm down on the red bull flavored shots, those shits make my heart race like a cheetah!

Tomorrow is Mardi Gras, so I’m thinking I’m going to go out. We’ll see…

The Lights Go Out and the Ball Gets Dropped

“I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.” – Marilyn Monroe

Last Wednesday night, the electricity here went out for a good 18 hours. There were hurricane like winds and I guess shit got blown out.

Obviously, I wasn’t able to post for a day or two. However, even afterward, I was out of the habit, and it’s taken me this long to get back on the horse.

Since we’re looking at the past, let’s look at how the past weekend went:

Thursday

I got bored sitting at home with no electricty, so I went over to King Lear’s. Toegether, we were bored out of our minds and decided that we should take advantage of the relatively good weather and take a stroll across town. He brought his camera and we had an adventure. We saw some people we knew, met some new people, checked out a few lesser known sites of the city, it was all around a good time.

Around 8:45 we headed to the bar.

Nothing of note really happened, outside of TeacherGirl making an appearance. I had met TeacherGirl last week and thought I really hit it off with her, but when I called texted her at the number she gave me later that night,  it was the wrong digits.

When she said hello, I didn’t mention the wrong number because maybe I’ve read too many PUA texts and generally they said that would be a bad idea. Still, I had a hard time masking that I was angry at her, so much so that she came back later and said that I seemed angry at her. I told her, “no, not at all.” This was a complete lie, because of course my feelings were hurt. But that was how I WANTED To feel.

It’s hard to put the ego down sometimes. It feels like, no matter how hard I try, I am still very much attached to this world. The point is to stop trying, the enlightened buddhist might say. I am thinking too much.

Anyways, I tried to chat her up, but after like a minute she interrupted and told me she had to go. Very awkward exchange. Part of it is because King Lear was rude to her. The next day I pondered whether she had just been in error in giving me the number or whether she had intentionally given me the wrong number. If the number she typed in was error, then she was probably pissed that I never called.

I guess I’ll never know. If I see her again, I COULD confront her about it, but even if she did, she’d probably deny it, and I’d get the number out of pity.

I am THINKING too much. Fuck, I am a chode. I am going to assume good faith, and if I ever do see her again, tell her that I think she mistyped her number into my phone and that’s why I never called. It’s honest and non-accusatory, I like it.

We went to after hours later and somehow made it like 14 hours of drinking constantly. I had a nice buzz going, but I wasn’t drunk because I didn’t want to repeat last week.

****

Friday:

I didn’t go out on Friday for the second week in a row. It’s hard when you put in Thursdays like that. Not this week though, I am going to do all three days this weekend.

****

Saturday:

I went out by myself.

No one I roll with wanted to go out, and I had stuff to do until around 11-11:30, so I went to a nearby bar where my friends were spinning and they had *gasp* a pudding wrestling competition.

Now, there are a number of a reasons a pudding wrestling competition doesn’t appeal to me. Firstly, I went to college and I was in a frat, so I’ve seen many pudding/jello/plain wrestling competitions in my day. Secondly, in an over-sexualized society where I can see Ava Devine get blasted in her vagina and her asshole at the same time with a few clicks of the mouse, something as tame as a pudding wrestling competition isn’t going to do anything for me. Lastly, I go out to talk to girls, and pudding wrestling didn’t strike me as a place to talk to women.

I stayed until the first round was over then I headed to another bar.

I ran into HipsterGirl at the next bar. HipsterGirl is the one I ate mushrooms with not too long ago. I come in just as her friends are leaving. We talk for awhile about whatever.

She tells me at one point, “I really like hanging out with you…” while staring into my eyes, which would have been any self-respecting man’s invitation for a full makeout session, but nope. I dropped the ball.

We head back to the pudding wrestling because she wants to, but the nights over. I don’t know why I wasted our time. After that, we went to a random house party where she kinda knew the people living there. She started talking to this dude she knew and I felt out of place so I left.

She asked me at one point, “Should I be leaving with you…?”” And I simply said, “No, stay.” I think my ego was bruised at this point because she was paying more attention to this guy than me, but there is this feeling inside me that I just didn’t care if she came back to my place or not. Maybe I am just not attracted to her like that.

Maybe it’s, like I said before, that I was looking more forward to seeing Ava Devine get blasted with two dicks than actually bringing a girl home myself.

Sad.

*****

SO HERE WE ARE AT A NEW WEEK!

Routine-wise, I hope to pick up where last week left off. I have been exercising, meditating, and writing rhymes every morning/afternoon, depdending on when I wake up. I want to add a little running at some point – that’ll happen this weekend and eventually, move my meditation up to 30 minutes. Twenty minutes feels so short!

Most importantly though, I want to put down the porn for a little while. I don’t watch it nearly as much as I used to, but I still feel like it ruins my experiences when I go out. A once a week binge would be good.

The problem is, that I don’t get excited about sex. I get nervous about it, because I am not sure if I’ll be good in bed or not. For porn however, since I am not dependent on anyone, I am totally in control.

Ah, I’m thinking too much again. I need to assume that I’ll always perform well, and enjoy sex as sex. Live in the present moment, motherfucker.

One day it’ll click for me, you’ll see!

Numbers Don’t Mean Shit

“Mistakes are a part of being human. Appreciate your mistakes for what they are: precious life lessons that can only be learned the hard way. Unless it’s a fatal mistake, which, at least, others can learn from.” – Al Franken

Last night, I got blacked out drunk.

Not good.

The day started off on a good foot. I woke up, meditated, ate breakfast, and accomplished everything I wanted to get done on my list. Earlier in the day, King Lear committed towards going out. Cool.

We took the bus down to the bar and proceeded to drink our faces off. It’s hard drinking with King Lear, he is twice my size and has a much higher tolerance than me.

Still, I managed to talk to this girl for a long time. Teacher was a cute girl, I thought we hit it off pretty well. I opened her by making a funny face at her and telling her to come over to where I was sitting.

I have this thing where I tease girls about stuff and that is my way of being flirtatious. I teased her about being a rich girl that teaches in a rich school district. That didn’t work too well. It’s because I’m being someone that I’m not. When I hang out with my friends, I don’t tease them about dumb shit. I just need to be a nice person. In the end, I got her number, but it ended up being the wrong one. Oh well.

Lesson learned: Numbers really don’t mean shit.

At least I can say that I’ve been consistently getting numbers  this year, I have gotten four so far. This surpasses my whole output from last year, so I am proud of myself.

Anyways, we left the bar and went to after hours, the second I entered the door, I blacked out. The next thing I remember is waking up the next day with a blistering headache. Apparently, I told the guy who drove us over that I had forgotten my keys and went out to his car and sat in it until they came out an hour later. His keys were in the car door.

I’m going to have to calm down on the shots when I roll with King Lear.

The Best Year of My Life (part 6)

“If you are not making the progress that you would like to make and are capable of making, it is simply because your goals are not clearly defined.” – Paul J. Meyer

Okay, so we’re a month into 2009 now, was January one of the best months of your life?

Let’s take a look at things:

I feel 1000 times better ever since I quit my job, but being unemployed has its own problems. I am not in a negative mindset where I am wondering what the FUCK I am doing with my life anymore. No, I am certainly not nearly as depressed as I once was, but I am constantly wondering where my next meal will come from.

As far as women go, it’s nice having the redhead to talk to everyday, and chillin’ with HipsterGirl every so often. Having multiple girls in my life is unprecedented, but I do feel like I could be doing so much more.

I didn’t meditate nearly as much as I wanted to, but I did consistently write in my blog for the whole month. Having a daily slap in the face is beneficial.

So yes, January was actually a great month for me, but do I feel like I am at the place where I need to be? Absolutely not.

Plus the Pittsburgh Steelers won the Super Bowl! 🙂 🙂 🙂

Without further ado:

1. Develop Attraction Skills

This past weekend was bad for me. I didn’t accomplish any of the goals I set out for myself. I drank too much on Friday and it affected my mood on both Saturday and Sunday.

This weekend, I am going to cut down on the drinking partly because I just cannot afford to put it in too hard, but also because it is affecting whether I open or not. I have committed to going out three days (Thursday, Friday, and Saturday).

2. Learn How to Drive

I am considering crossing this goal out.

Yesterday, Hero said that it’s pointless for me to learn if I don’t have a car to drive once I get the license. I countered with the belief that once I get the license, I will be more apt to get a car. It’s like the chicken or the egg discussion.

Still, Hero is on vacation this week, so no practice until he gets back. I could ask my friends, but King Lear’s car is broken, and The Roommate… oh, I guess I should be getting at him, shouldn’t I? He is a busy dude, though!

3. Look for New Job

I went hard at this yesterday. Not in the conventional sense, though.

I started researching different avenues by which I can make money online, from the comfort of my own home. It’s not that hard by most accounts but it does take time, patience,  and capital.

I have maybe a month before I run out of money and that is not enough time to start earning a sustainable salary, so I am applying for jobs. I have lost the total ambition to go back and work for the man, though.

There HAS to be a light at the end of this tunnel!

4. Better Management of $$$

Sunday through Wednesday I spent a combined total of maybe $40. Thursday through Sunday I spent a good $100.This includes eating out twice on both Saturday and Sunday. On Saturday I had pre-planned dates, but on Sunday I should have known better.

Still, my bills are paid for the month and I cancelled a few services. Hopefully, once my taxes are filed I should be able to make it through the end of March.

5. Take the GRE

Have not done at all. Embarassing. Better planning is in order.

Okay, see you guys later this week.

Inactive for Super Bowl Weekend

“It is better to do the wrong thing than to do nothing.” – Winston Churchill

Whoa.

The Super Bowl was crazy.

EVERYTHING was discombobulated because of Super Bowl weekend, which I shouldn’t have let happen, but it did. Better planning is needed.

Let’s start at Thursday:

I went to 80’s night, which I went to by myself. Hero, Spy, and their friend Voodoo who I hadn’t seen in forever showed up later in the evening.

I spent most of the night talking to LeaderGirl, while Hero hollered at her friend, HippieGirl, which he had much more success with than I did. By much more success, I mea he was making out with her on the bench, even as LeaderGirl was like, “no you guys shouldn’t be making out.”

I eventually decided to stop being a pussy and got Leader’s number, but not before she went off and hollered at the bartender later in the night. I texted her a couple times over the weekend, but got no response. I deleted her number from my phone this morning.

Went to after hours and caught up with the old crew. We were pretty much the only people there.

Friday:

Went to the bar with King Lear, but not until late in the night, around midnight.

Somehow, in those two hours, I got wasted drunk, but still hobbled on over to after hours, with Slim, an old friend who was visiting. He started talking to a friend of mine, and I started talking to her friend. I was pretty wasted drunk, but I was still functioning somehow. At some point I blacked out, I didn’t get the girls number, my friends were gone, and the place was closing.

The next Slim said she was pretty homely looking. I checked her out on Facebook only to concur from her main pic, but she looked alright when done up. I befriended her, but haven’t said anything to her, I am still undecided whether I will pursue or not.

Actually, decision made: I won’t. Well, unless I see her in public again.

Saturday:

I was pretty tired from the previous night, but I still went rollerskating. Well, before that I went out for my friends birthday at some vegetarian restaurant. The food sucked. There were some hot girls there, but I was seated at the table with only my friend and the Puerto Rican girl he is seeing now.

I took the bus home, then headed over to rollerskate. I wasn’t in a great mood, and it took me FOREVER to get my skates on. I was inside my head the whole night and basically just watched Slim get his holler on.

PartyGirl and her friends came through later in the night and we hung out, but for the most part this wasn’t a very notable night. Some girl stole the pick out of my hair, but I didn’t find her very attractive, so I wasn’t very amused.

For the third night in a row, I went to after hours.

Sunday

Slim spent the night and we woke up pretty early because we drank a lot of Sparks and were still really wired once the alcohol wore off. Unable to sleep, we watched about half of Casablanca until we tried to sleep again. Later in the day, we linked up with Roommate and went to the bar to catch the Super Bowl.

Nothing notable happened here. There were some really hot girls, but mostly I just watched Slim do his thing. The game was great, but now that I am sitting here and reflecting on the game, it could have been much better.

I don’t know what happened this weekend. All I have to show for it is a less fat-wallet and a few okay nights to opine about. That it, no more drinking until I open at least one set of girls. I mean seriously, at the end of the day, drinking is a very empty activity. Drinking, by itself, doesn’t necessarily equal happiness or even fun. It can ADD ON to fun in certain situations, but many times it doesn’t or even worse, leads to very negative encounters.

I am really PISSED at myself after writing this. I am going to go HARD this coming week!

Push

“Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, an hour, a day or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it will last forever.” – Lance Armstrong

I am tired right now.

I can barely keep my eyes open.

What’s funny is that I had ample sleep last night and I just woke up from a nap. Still, I am tired.

I actually contemplated forgoing writing this post for sleep, but instead decided to man up and get my writing on. Plus, there were a couple of other pieces of business I needed to attend to.

Wow, I am actually being responsible for once!

Still, this is going to be a shorter post.

Last night, was a good night.

King Lear came over pretty early and together we headed to the bar up the street. No one was there when we got there, which was cool, so we grabbed a few beers and watched the place fill up with people.

I talked to a girl briefly who wasn’t feeling me, but I didn’t care, the redhead would be in attendance tonight. She made her way upstairs a good ways into the night, and we had a great time dancing and making out pretty publicly.

When it was time to go, she accused me of talking to a other girls, which I didn’t think I was doing, although I was pretty damn tanked at the time. I went to the bathroom and she had left by the time I got back.

Maverick thinks this was a shit test.

King Lear and I went to after hours for a little, tried to talk to these three girls, but we didn’t get much progression fromthat.

Anyways, I awoke this morning to a facebook message saying that the redhead had a great time last night. Maybe she is just really insecure about getting it poppin’, I don’t know.

This afternoon we started texting again, and she invited me to go see The Reader, which is a good movie! No making out during this date, but that was moreso on my part, I don’t like PDA’s when I’m not WASTED.

Tomorrow is zazenkai at the zendo. I plan to be there for half of the day. From lunch onwards. They make great food at the zendo for lunch. It’ll be good to get some meditation in.

The Company I Keep

“Tell me what company you keep and I’ll tell you what you are.” – Miguel de Cervantes

Yesterday, I woke up inexplicably early, ate some food, and took care of business all before football started at 3 PM. Seeing as I only had about 5 hours of sleep, I thought I would need a nap, but that was not the case.

Instead, I watched the Cardinals beat the Eagles (YEAH!), and then the Steelers beat the Ravens (FUCK YEAH, here we go!). Our friend, we’ll call him Lanky, came over to watch the Steelers game. He was tripping on acid and already pretty drunk. Some alarms went off in my head once he told me that, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt, because I am a chill guy when I am on acid.

This guy however, was pretty damn ignorant. Lots of yelling and screaming, which is normal because we are in Pittsburgh and it was a close game for the most part. But this guy, his yelling and screaming was filled with lots of “YEAH NIGGA’S,” (he’s Black) towards white people, which weirded them out. He also told a lot of stories about “fucking bitches,” that I really didn’t care for. At first, he was kind of funny in a “let’s laugh at him” kind of way, but later on it was more like, “when will this guy shut up?”

At one point Lanky  punched our Christmas tree, which we should have taken down awhile ago. He was making fun of us about it, and we were in turn teasing him about being angry about a Christmas Tree, then he got pissed and punched it. Not necessary at all.

After the game, he downed a good bit of our Smirnoff liquor. I didn’t know it at the time, but it’s not like I would have told him “no,” either. He starts yelling, “let’s go to the bar!” But no one wanted to go with him. My roommate and the other dude that was with us felt more like chillin’ so they stayed put, but not before Lanky tried to physically move them off of the couch.

I had already planned on going out, but I was hoping that I wasn’t going out with him. I should have, from the get go, told him that I really didn’t feel like going out with him, but I didn’t want to hurt his feelings.

I have this whole theory on not doing something because I don’t want to hurt someones feelings, I think it’s actually the opposite, the action is actually not done because I  don’t want to hurt my own ego.I want to be able to say that I did or didn’t do x or y for this person, rather than just doing what I feel. Still, there is the emotion of compassion to factor in. I really didn’t care if Lanky liked me or not, I should have just been honest.

Instead, Lanky and I walked to the bar. It’d be about a thirty minute walk since neither of us drive. Lanky, having just downed a sizable bit of alcohol, is SUPER belligerent. He is walking down the middle of the street, yelling, “GO STEELERS,” but if the person doesn’t answer or tells him to get out of the way, because he is in the middle of the STREET after all, he’d respond, “FUCK YOU NIGGA!”

At one point, we see this guy who is all decked out in Steelers gear, and he has two terrible towels. When he approaches us, he’s like “HELL YEAH GUYS!” He was being as nice as can be. Lanky, however, immediately went for this guys terrible towel, and tried to snatch it off of him. The guy yelled “NO, that’s mine!” Lanky, in turn says, “I want to have it!” The two go on to have an argument that turned into a snatching contest. I shook my head and continued walking.

A few moments later, I look back and there he is running to catch up to me, “Yo, LEIGH, wait up!”

Sigh…

Not too long after we started walking again, Lanky started yelling all kinds of random shit. He would even do this like, war cry where his face started shaking. Then he tried to punch the glass out of an advertisement display in a bus shelter. He was really buggin’.

Later on, he was yelling his random shit, and then this older black guy approaches him:

Older guy: “Yo, I’m with you black man.”

Lanky: “Hell yeah!”

Older guy: “Yo, let’s roll on some niggas, straight up rob ’em!”

Lanky declined, but it’s at this point I decided that I’m not hanging with him anymore. He was negative and attracting negative people toward him. I told Lanky, that I wasn’t rolling with him anymore. He didn’t want to hear it, he just said, “Leigh, fuck that, let’s go!” We started walking some more, he’s in the street yelling at whomever, then finally I just stopped. I didn’t do anything, I just stopped, dead in my tracks.

Lanky hadn’t even noticed that I stopped walking with him and strolled down the street.

Whew…

The thing with Lanky is, that he used to actually be a very mild-mannered person. Lately however, this is a theory that my roommate proposed and one that I agree with, he has gotten it into his head that he does not fit into the black stereotype enough and has therefore gone overboard in trying to adhere to it. Nowadays, it seems like he goes out of his way to be ignorant, using lots of “niggas” and bitches” when he didn’t before, and being on some ‘I will fuck somebody up if they step to me’ type deal.

I remember at some point during the game, he said to me, “I love you Leigh, but we’re like two different people.” I didn’t even ask him to clarify, because I knew what he was saying. I am not “niggerish” enough, I have gotten it my whole life.

Ugh, as you can see I’m still pissed off about this, and I carried these negative emotions with me when I finally made it to the bar.

I get to the bar, and I see King Lear making out with this girl he’s been seeing. He is not even letting up for air. I don’t want to be around his smooch-fest so I go downstairs. I see this guy, South American, who buys me a beer.

South American is a guy who I thought was my friend many years ago. Then he had sex with my ex-girlfriend (The One) a week after we broke up, impregnated her, then left me to pick up the pieces. South American has a reputation for being a VERY violent individual, so whooping his ass was not an option.

Everyone that knows him tells this story about how he cut a mans eye out for hitting his mother. This was back in his home country.

I tried to be cordial to South American. Partly because I don’t like beefing with people, but also because he’s pretty scary. He told me this long story about how he was jumped outside of  the same bar we were at one year ago by six dudes. He didn’t have any other options and had his knives with him (he’s a cook), so he went to town. He cut this one guy on his arm and he had to go get 47 stitches. Wild.

South Americans trial is this week so naturally he was a little nervous about the situation. I guess talking to me about it was therapeutic for him, I don’t know. Maybe he was trying to scare me so I wouldn’t retaliate on him for doing my ex-girlfriend like that.

I didn’t stay too long at the bar because I was suddenly not in a good mood. I did manage to go upstairs and say hi to King Lear. I pulled him away from sucking face long enough to have a brief conversation with him while his girl went to the bathroom. After all that, I walked back home, watched some porn, then passed out. I hadn’t had much sleep the previous night and it felt good.

On the way home, I thought about how I am surrounded by crazy motherfuckers in my life, and what does that say about me?  This is by far not the majority of my friends, but I do think they fill a certain void for me personality-wise. I think that, deep down inside, I admire these people, because they do things that I would be afraid to do.

I remember, maybe a month ago, King Lear and I were at the bar, and this guy BLATANTLY cut me in line for the bathroom. He’s taking a piss, and I’m talking to him like, “yo, you just cut me in line!” The guy says, “no I didn’t!” He keeps taking his piss. King Lear interjects, “actually, you did,” but he’s not paying attention, he’s washing his hands.

There was nothing I could do at that point, he was already pissing. I felt like getting in his face, and being like, “yo, you WILL respect me!” But instead, I just let him go. Afterwards, King Lear says to me, “I would have whipped out my dick and pissed on HIM!” and I am sure he would have.

People treat me like this because I have a lack of self-confidence. Therefore, I allow this shit to come into my life. If I was assertive, and shoved the guy that cut me out of the way as I went to the toilet, there would have been no issue. Not even a need for a fight. I feel like I am constantly stepped and picked on and just wish it would stop.

Guys like King Lear, South American, and Lanky, I admire them because they have balls. I don’t think they make good life decisions, but the fact that they are so confident and unafraid of everything makes me look up to them, and that’s why I hang around them.

The Good, the Bad, and the Redhead

“I like to do my principal research in bars, where people are more likely to tell the truth or, at least, lie less convincingly than they do in briefings and books. “- P.J. O’Rourke

Last night was a good night.

It was nearing party time, and I really had no plans to go out. It was like one degree outside and I felt perfectly comfortable chillin’ in my apartment. My friend, Maverick, had been wanting me to roll with him, but like last week I flaked him off.

Instead, the redhead from Wednesday started on a text messaging/calling frenzy around 9pm.  Originally she had told me she was busy and that we should hang out tomorrow, but now she wanted me to come meet her at the bar.

I shrugged and said, “okay.”

I wasn’t doing anything but watching a Ken Burns documentary, so I quickly got dressed, ate some pasta-tuna salad and caught a cab down to the bar she was at.

HAHA! I am laughing just thinking about the events that transpired at the bar.

I arrive at the bar, and the redhead, as soon as she sees me pulls me away into a corner. She is WASTED! We start making out. I think it’s suspicious that she would do such a thing, and I ask her, “yo, are you here with someone else? It’s totally cool if you are, I can leave, no problem.”

I have been in these situations before and can smell them a mile away. She says, “no, I’m not here with anyone else.” I trust her, we make out some more then I go to meet her friends. She is there with two dudes and a girl. One guy has been married for five years and lives in San Francisco. Still, he is trying to hit on the girl in the group, even though as he puts it “she is a DYKE!” His words not mine. We will call him the “adulterer.”

The other guy is this taller, skinny guy that has really low self-esteem. I can tell as soon as I meet him. I quickly guess that she is there with him. I grab a beer and I think about it some more, and I come up with the assumption that this guy doesn’t have many options in his life, but she uses him as the permanent second option. She gets with other guys in his face, and he does nothing about it, just hopes that she will come home with him in the end.

I am getting weird looks throughout the bar, and yes the situation is awkward, but it’s still early and I figure I’ll buy a ticket to this shit show until around 11 or 12 at which point I’ll move on.

After awhile, the redhead goes into the bathroom with the Lesbian for a LONG time, maybe 30 minutes. In the meantime, I take shots of yager with the Adulterer and the Hanger-On.

The Hanger-On and Adulterer work at the same job, except the Adulterer commutes once a month. The Hanger-On could do the same, but he keeps saying that he is not good at his job, he is only there because he is able to fool people that he does a good job. This guy is more pathetic than I thought. At one point I say to the Hanger-On, “man if she doesn’t come back soon, I am going to start talking to other girls!” He quietly responds, “yeah you should!”

During the break, I ask one of the workers there who is also my friend to get me some information on the redhead. Later on in the night he comes back and says, “yeah, i talked to the bar manager and she was going out with Hanger-On heavy in the summer, but now she gets with other guys right in front of her face. But right now, she is making out with the one girl in the bathroom. I  guess she’s just a freak!”

He pats me on the shoulder and says, “the night is young, my friend.”

Indeed, it is.

The pair come out of the bathroom, the Hanger-On sticks a tongue in the redheads ear, she pulls away, she pulls me aside, we make out some more.

The adulterer gets ready to go, and so does the Lesbian. They leave separately. Not long after, the Hanger-On decides to leave, but I really think he is bringing the car around. The neighborhood we’re in is notoriously difficult to park in.

I figure this is my shot to make it plainfully obvious that I am trying to have sex. I tell her that we are going back to her place, we are going to watch a movie and have fun. She says “no, I barely even know you.” She keeps talking about meeting up tomorrow, and I tell her “maybe,” but at this point, I am more like, “fuck this girl.”  She is getting up to leave anyways, so I finish my beer first. I look out the window to see Hanger-On picking her up. I was right!

The night is still young, as my friend said.

It’s 1 degree outside, I call King Lear and he says that he’s at a bar nearer to my house. I tell him that I’ll meet him there. Except on my way there, I take a wrong turn and end up getting lost for the next TWO HOURS in the freezing cold. That is no exaggeration my friends, TWO HOURS! There were points when I could not move a muscle on my face!

At one point, I actually walked through a graveyard which was fine until about halfway through, when I realized I was walking through a graveyard. I instantly became paranoid and scared, the woods in the distance became houses for all kinds of derelicts, in my imagination.

I tried to call my friends, but none of them were answering.

Why I didn’t just go meet Maverick at a nearby bar, I don’t know.

I finally make it home and it’s past 2 AM-all of the bars are closed. I could go to after hours, but I am not up for it at this point. I tried to take a shower, but the cold water in our bathroom was off. I think the pipe froze from the cold! The only option was to take a boiling hot shower. Instead, I treated it like it was a sauna and sat in the steamy bathroom.

Tangent: Does your dick shrivel up when it’s really cold? I have a pretty nice sized penis, but it was smaller than I had ever seen it after being out in the cold! I started to become scared that this was permanent!

After I warmed up a bit, I put on some porn, but again I just wasn’t interested. I finally went to sleep.

Now why did I say this was a good night? As far as the events of the night were concerned this was a terribly SHITTY night. Seriously, I can’t even remember the last time I had a night worse than this.

Well my friends, it was a good night because of my reactions. In the past, when I would have figured out she was there with another dude, I would have been shattered. I would have flipped out on her and acted like a total idiot. Instead, I was like this is pretty funny and it’s early, I’ll stick around for this, then head somewhere else.

Also, during the long walk, I probably would have had suicidal thoughts. I remember, after having an eerily similar situation a year ago, I was so drunk and so sad, that I walked down the middle of a road, yelling for “THE WORLD TO TAKE ME!” all the meanwhile bawling crying. I am lucky I didn’t die then.

The redhead messaged me at 8AM this morning: “WHAT happened last night?” HAHA! She knows, she just doesn’t want to admit it!

I will probably talk to her again, but not for awhile-probably not today. After all, I do want to get laid. I just don’t want to deal with bullshit like last night. I honestly don’t care if she dates other dudes, I just don’t want her to see other dudes when she is supposed to be meeting up with me. I think that is common sense. Any chance for a relationship is over at this point, I will just keep it casual. I also won’t go out of my way for her anymore.

Man, I am really proud that I didn’t flip out last night! FUCK YEAH!

Dancing Monkey

“…And if I had the chance, I’d ask the world to dance, I was dancing with myself… oh oh uh-oh!” – Billy Idol

Last night, for lack of a better word, was strange.

A shit show, even.

It started at 7PM. People started coming over my house to watch the playoff game and start drinking. This was incredibly early to start, even for us, but because everyone had it in their mind that it was time to start drinking, who was I to say no?

We had a case of Yuengling, and after Baltimore won, King Lear and I watched The Professional before heading out to the bar.

It is now 10PM.

Before we leave, we notice the police parked in the street outside of our apartment. As we are going to King Lear’s car the cop stops us and says, “don’t leave yet, you’re getting a ticket for parking on the sidewalk.” We looked at Lear’s car-it was crooked and parked WELL on the sidewalk. It had been snowing the past two days, and I live on a hill, King Lear had originally parked the car on the sidewalk, but the car slipped, turned to the right, and there we have what looked like a botched parking job.

And so began our weird night.

King Lear had just gotten paid, so he took it upon himself to get us tanked tonight. Upon arrival, we order a Las Vegas Bomb, which is what we normally do, but that was followed by a vodka bomb no more than 15 minutes later.

Oh my, this would be a messy one.

I told Lear to slow down, as I didn’t want to black out tonight. I ended up talking to this one girl who was sitting next to me at the bar, but she was already there with a guy. Plus I didn’t find her attractive.

At one point I sat next to a guy that was more enamored with the Cardinals blowout than the bar. We struck up a conversation, and somehow he got into telling me about his addiction to cocaine. “I have lost friends, my job, gone into debt, everything because of cocaine.” I nodded my head, I didn’t know what to say.

This poor guy, when he realizes that we can get cocaine rather easily, is like can you guys get me an 8-ball? We tell him, “no, we can’t. We’re not going to do that to you.” Then he starts to rationalize to us the reasons why he’d be okay if we got it for him. We insist on telling him no. When he won’t stop, I tell him that he’d have to pay 3x the price for it. That got him to go away pretty quickly.

My thoughts on cocaine and drugs in general is this: when done in moderation there is nothing wrong with doing drugs. They can be fun when used responsibly. When done in excess however, drugs, cocaine especially, quickly become a problem, and this is what happened to our poor guy. I personally don’t care for cocaine all too much. I am more the kind of guy that likes to eat mushrooms and gain some perspective on the world.

The poor guy also told us he can get other pills like adderall, but we shove him off. Yeah, you and everybody else on the planet, buddy.

Later, I talked to a teacher and her friend, who actually worked at a place I used to work. Both of these girls were REALLY cute. I opened by saying, “…and I’ll take a lemon drop, thank you.” The girl actually got the lemon drop. I graciously say thank you, but I tell her that I didn’t really want it. We strike up a good conversation, but once again, I can’t hold the line. No sexual intent, no nothing. Conversation without intent means that you are a dancing monkey.

My roommate and other friends arrive on the scene.

We goof around for a little bit. We play some music on the jukebox, then drink a LOT more to the point where I would say I am pretty wasted. King Lear, on the other hand, is slurring his words, which I’ve NEVER seen him do before. He is a pretty big guy that can throw down with the best of them. He must have been off taking shots when I wasn’t around.

Two black girls are waiting for a drink and I talk to them. One of them pulls the afro pick out of my blazer. “How did you know it was there?” I asked her. She says, “I just know.” Nothing really happens there. They walk off five minutes later. Again, a dancing monkey.

PartyGirl and her friend also come through.

PartyGirl is my best friend that’s a girl. I used to work with her and she dates one of my friends. She is really cool and likes to go out a lot. She is hot and all of her friends are hot-I mean the kind of girls that date professional football players.

Our ever expanding group continues to goof around. My roommate tries to holler at PartyGirl’s friend. He also has a black girl that he talked to like two weeks ago on the other side of the bar. My roommate, who is also my best friend, is the man. He doesn’t really try to get women, but always seems to have pretty hot ones around. I wouldn’t say he’s a cassanova, but he does pretty well for himself.

The teacher and her friend, probably after seeing me talking to Party Girl say hello from across the bar. My social value has gone up. I don’t do anything with it, though.

At the end of the night, I start talking to a redhead and get her number. She actually opened me, she said that she liked my dancing and the fact that I always looked like I was having a good time. I messaged her a few times later that night, but I didn’t cut it off soon enough. She stopped messaging me after awhile. Fuck. Maybe I was too needy?

I messaged her a bit during the football game, she seemed pretty receptive. Sometimes being a Dancing Monkey has its advantages!

Still, at the end of the night, I felt disappointed in myself. Mostly this was because I was drunk. I need to stop being outcome dependent. I also need to meditate consistently, this vastly lessens any outbursts 0f anger or sadness I might have, even while drinking.

I know I said I was going to go out tonight, but when I woke up tonight, I made the decision that I would take it easy. I would much rather have a good night of rest, take care of some stuff around the apartment, and arrive to work in good condition tomororw. I might make it out on Tuesday, I haven’t decided yet.

So what are my sticking points?

– Need to set the sexual intent early in the conversation.

– Need to not be outcome depdendent. Need to curb outbursts of sadness and anger-meditation will help.

– Need to be more aggressive.

The Art of Drunk Texting

“I can say whatever I want, to whoever I want, whenever I want, wherever I want, however I want…” – Eminem

I am not proud of my actions last night.

It started off badly. I lost a sack of herb somewhere in my room and spent an hour plus looking for it. The sack is still at large.

My friend, “King Lear” and I, arrive at the bar at 9pm. I am in great spirits even though I just lost sixty bucks worth of product.

King Lear didn’t have any money so I would be footing the bill tonight. The bar we go to is the one where our friend works and we regularly get a crazy discount. We arrive at 9 P.M.

Nothing of consequence really happens the whole night, we take a LOT of shots. chat with some friends, some girls, but nothing *too* aggressive. There was a girl with HUGE boobs that I wanted to talk to, but didn’t.

Anyways, dejected, I leave paying a $54 tab for the evening. Not too shabby for five hours of drinking.

Except at this point, I get it into my mind that it is time to start drunk texting! Commence the shit show!

I had been listening to Tim’s Flawless Natural program at work over the past week and remembered that he messaged girls that didn’t respond to him with the simple text message: “you are shit.” I was drunk, I thought this was a great idea, so I messaged like three girls with this message. Of course I get messages back that say, “don’t ever talk to me again,” “goodbye, asshole.” Basically, they all tell me that I am a wonderful human being.

I know that I some exchange of words after that, but my recollection is hazy. I can’t look at my sentbox to see what I sent because at some point, I must have realized that I was drunk texting and proceeded to delete all of the girls numbers I was drunk texting. Then I emptied out my sentbox and inbox.

Now, I can’t even say “hey, I’m sorry” because I don’t remember the numbers. I am not sure I would say sorry anyways, I  would probably try to play it off and say I meant to type “you are THE shit.”

Meanwhile, I have inadvertently started off 2009 with a clean slate. Nope, no more girls of 2008, 2009 chicks will be all new baby!

King Lear and I moved onto after hours, where our one boy was dj’ing. This is where I did most of my text messaging. I spent a large portion of the night sitting on a bench and sending them out. Around 3 A.M. my ex-girlfriend, The One, started texting me, and this started a whole new round of texting. This exchange wasn’t mean at all, but it was just simply unnecessary.

I do feel embarrassed, but I’m smiling as I sit here typing this. I am not angry at myself because this is not something I do all of the time. I simply need to learn not to be outcome dependent and have the most fun possible in the present moment, even when I am shitfaced drunk. If I were to see any of these girls in person, I would sincerely apologize, and would understand if they don’t want to talk to me. I would even understand if they hit me or spilled a drink on me, which would be a first for me and hey, I’m all about new experiences!

They are just girls that I was not emotionally attached to. There are many more fish in the sea, and I will just move on.