The Symptoms

The Background

The year of two thousand and seven sucked for me. In fact, every year since I graduated college in 2005 sucked, but this one takes the cake.

Why did it suck you ask?

Let’s start with females…

Even though my girlfriend of two years had already moved on and found someone else, I found myself still holding on in hopes that we would someday be together. I just couldn’t move on. There were a lot of drunken, embarrassing moments where I did things that I wish I could take back. Looking back, I think a large part of it is that I felt I would never find someone else, let alone find someone compatible with me.

There has been another girl, sure. Just one, and it didn’t work out well at all. I view this, maybe very erroneously, as the biggest problem in my life, my inability to attract women. There are serious self-esteem issues at play here, the pressure for a man to have a female companion rings strong for me.

To cope, I spend a lot of time watching porn and masturbating, which is what I did before I had gotten into the relationship. It has gotten to the point where I think it is an addiction.

Then there’s the money…

I am broke. I just overdrafted my account this weekend, in fact. I spend a lot of money on drugs (alcohol, marijuana, pills of different varieties, mushrooms…). I am a month behind on my rent. I have no money saved. If I were fired tomorrow, I’d be in deep shit and have to move back in with Mother (who isn’t doing so well herself). I am living on the edge…

…And an overall lack of purpose in my life.

I am twenty-four and work at a dead end job with no prospects of it getting any better. I make as much money as I would have if I <i>didn’t</i> go to college. In fact, I’d probably be making more by now. I have signed up to take the LSAT three years in a row (every year since I graduated college). One of those years, I took the test but didn’t study and did a horribly (a 141). The other two I chickened out because I realized this is not what I want to do with my life.

I am suicidal. There have been times when I thought about putting my head in an oven, or tying a belt in a noose and hanging it from ceiling (I actually did this a couple of times). I feel like a failure. It is few and far between when I actually good about my life.

And I want this to change. I want to win. No, I have to win, because I don’t think I will be around much longer if I don’t…


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