“The true sign of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting the same results.” – Albert Einstein
You know it’s funny, I was reviewing my goals, and they are almost exactly the SAME as when I wrote them down over a year ago. This says to me that these problems will not change without concerted effort.
Why am I not making the concerted effort?
The problem is two-fold:
1.) I don’t believe in myself. Deep down inside, I have serious doubts that I will ever be the man that I want to become.
2.) I have become accustomed to a certain level of failure. Living in mediocrity, while it makes me unhappy most of the time, it does not disgust me to the point where I am willing to make sacrifices at any cost in order to achieve my goals. No, I am quite comfortable being a slacker, loser, whatever label you want to append to it. THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE!
I have noticed that I make conscious decisions to sabotage my own success. I won’t study for the GRE some nights because I tell myself that I am too tired, or instead of working on a song I will surf random websites. At the bar, I won’t talk to a girl for x, y, or z reason. I am cognizant of myself doing these things, BUT I STILL LET IT GO ON.
I notice that when I DO get some success, whether it be a getting a girl’s number, or finishing a song, it’s like I am injected with a newfound sense of energy! All of the sudden, I want to clean my room, dress better, take care of shit that I haven’t done in forever! It’s a very exhilarating feeling.
Then, the euphoria from that experience will wear off, and I will be back at square one. Oftentimes I find myself diving in even further to whatever old habits I had before. Maybe I will watch nothing but porn for two days straight, and in the process I will have neglected applying for a new job, and stayed up late so that in turn I am late for work the next day. IT IS A SAD SAD CYCLE.
So what can I do?
The only thing I can do is to be cognizant and make a conscious effort to change these behaviors. I have to live in the present moment and adhere to a principle of no attachment.
It will be difficult, but I know I can do it. Everytime I fail, I can feel myself inching closer.