Life as a Spectator

In the long run men hit only what they aim at. Therefore, though they should fail immediately, they had better aim at something high. – Henry David Thoreau

I woke up today with a feeling of dread. As I tossed around in my bed for an hour or two and thought about my life, I came to the conclusion that there are two kinds of people in this world, “spectators” and “performers.” My friends, I am a spectator.

I can sit around all day and watch other people do things. I can watch my favorite team play football on the television, I can watch people having sex in adult videos, I can listen to rappers talk about the great lives they have etc. etc.. In my own personal life, I can watch my start working on a skill, they can learn to start dj’ing, or they can start. I can watch them fail, I can watch them succeed, but in the end I am always watching and end up saying, “I wish I had their life,” for better or worse.

Yesterday was Saturday, my last night out in my marathon of going out, spanning four nights.

I wish I could say, that last night was better than the last, because I finally got off my ass and did what I intended to do when I went out, but the fact is, I can’t. Sure, last night was better than Friday night, I didn’t text anyone and didn’t ruin any potential relationships.

But it still was a rather “blah” night.

After the previous night, I resolved that I wasn’t going to go out, I was going to stay inside and relax, which I hadn’t done since this past Tuesday night. Around 9pm, I changed my mind, telling myself that I have to go out if I want to get better. If I ever want to become the true social butterfly that I want to become, I have to go.

My roommate was spinning at after hours.

I decided that I would forgo going out for regular bar hours. I would instead relax until around 2 AM then head over. Around 10 o’clock King Lear comes over, and while watching the 40 year Old Virgin, I tell him, “we should go get a case.”

We go down to the beer distributor only to find that it’s closed. I tell him, “shit, might as well just go to the bar.”

We go to the bar and end up talking to these two girls. The (cuter) Indian girl my friend had been talking to off and off for quite awhile. The other girl was pretty cool, and I thought we were hitting it off, but at some point she moved away from me.

The conversations I engage in always seem canned. I feel like I’m always at a loss for words to say or to make the conversation move forward. No matter how many conversations I get into, I always end up doing the resume routine. “Oh, what do you do?” “What do you do in your free time?” BORING!

It’s not even that I am uninteresting. I think that I am one of the most interesting people that I know. It’s just that, right now, I am having a difficult time presenting that interesting person within the first 30 seconds-2 minutes of meeting a person.

Next week, I am going to resolve to break the resume chain. I was listening to Natural Tim last week and he says that he interrupts and says, “hey, I think [whatever the current subject is] is cool, but I don’t really want to talk about that right now. Let’s have fun!” Then I’ll have to figure out what we’d have to do to have fun.

Overall, I feel inhibited, scared even, when I am out in social situations. It’s like there is a voice in the back of my head that prevents me from doing what I want to do. I have to get rid of this voice because it is grossly impeding my progress.

After the bar, we went to after hours. There was NO ONE there. We drank, went to the diner at around 6am. Then I came home and slept.

Today is the end of my extended Christmas vacation.

I know that a lot of my posts have been dealing with PUA material, or just a basic rundown of my bar life. Expect a change in material over the course of the week, until well, the weekend comes again.

I think that this blog has been immensely helpful the past couple of days. It has kept me productive and makes me more conscious of things as I go throughout my day.

I am going to make a pledge to post on this blog everyday. I am also going to make a pledge to be absolutely honest in every post. I read over some of the posts I write, and I think to myself, “wow, this guys sounds like a whiny boy, why doesn’t he get off of his ass and just DO the things he talks about doing everyday?”

It’s hard for me to read over some of my posts, I feel embarassed about them, but in the end, if I ever want to become a better person, this will help me.


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