Night of the Wallflowers

“You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, “I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.” – Eleanor Roosevelt

I got a lot done today.

It was mainly because I was so disgusted at myself yesterday. That is usually a prime motivating factor for me. Sometimes, it’ll go the other way, and I’ll get really depressed and sulk around my house all day.

Hmm… I wonder if I am onto something here.

Let’s take a look at my prime motivating factors:

I find that I’m motivated if I feel that I HAVE to do something, like there is no other alternative. Either I do it or I do it. In these cases, I will constantly try to test the bar as to which I HAVE to do something.

For example, over the years in school, I have constantly tested the bar for how much I had to do just to get by. I was always in gifted classes because my mother insisted that I enroll in them. The classes were never that difficult, they just required extra work. I wouldn’t say that the people I was in the class with were the smartest people per se, but definitely the most motivated. In those classes, I did just enough to get by, if I had to hold a B- just to stay in the class I would.

Or in college, I remember having teachers that said that they would mark off big time if I didn’t hand in a paper, but I would often call their bluff. I would hand in papers sometimes months late. I remember, for my REQUIRED history seminar, handing a paper TWO YEARS late, and getting a B on it, I might add. The only reason the paper got done is because it was a requirement to graduate.

Oftentimes, it is the approval of others that keeps me motivated. I remember, the most I EVER opened PUA-wise was the first weekend I ever went out. I went out with guys from my local lair, and I wanted to impress them SO MUCH. This guy Maverick would point to girls and I would just walk over, embarassing the fuck out of myself, against my better judgement, but because he said to do it, I did it. Later on, when some of the mystique of Maverick was lost, I never opened again.

Depending on other people to motivate me is unhealthy.

Sometimes I sit around and think about how little I am motivated and wonder how I could not be disgusted at myself. I have consistently worked towards a life of non-stress and little responsiblity. I am not even capable of paying my own bills right now.

I will say that my overall organization and motivation has improved over the past two months or so. I can actually look around my room right now and see that it is clean-which, if you were to rewind to a year ago in my life, my whole apartment would be filthy right now. I even just got done washing the dishes!

So there are improvements being made, and often I am quick to brush them aside, but I am hoping that I am slowly, moving in the right direction.

********

Okay, so last night.

There was this new house monthly dance night at a bar near my house, so I rolled with ManOnCouch around 11pm. ManOnCouch has been doing just that, staying at our place, chillin’ on the couch for the past couple of weeks.

MOC is a really great guy and I like chillin’ with dude. MOC is that he’s a bit older (30), doesn’t drink, and generally doesn’t like to go out. Still, he sits at home and is like, “man, I need to be like you Leigh, always hollering at girls!” The dude is pretty charasmatic, and when I ask him why he doesn’t talk to more girls, he always comes up with some excuse that doesn’t matter.

“You think too much!” I always tell him. “You right, you right, Leigh,” he responds.

Excuse wise, he is where I was at two years ago. I would come up with all of these superfluous excuses before finally realizing that it really all comes down to fear. Fear of success, fear of rejection, fear of leaving that nice little comfort zone you have created for yourself.

Now, you see how skewed another persons perception can be of another? Here is a guy that has basically LIVED with me for the past month and thinks that about me. Either he is delusional, or people just assume that the next man is doing better than him.

MOC and I go there, and don’t do SHIT. I mean, we just stand in the corner, and yeah we dance a little, but nothing of consequence. I tried to talk to this 28 year old girl who is married. A few attractive women tried to touch my hair, but I was like, “$2 dollars.” I’m not going to say that anymore because it doesn’t keep the conversation going, just gets weird reactions from females. Instead, I’m going to be like, “only if I can touch your hair first.”

This HOT asian girl wanted to touch my hair, I ran my spiel, then she walked away. I was thinking that if I had approached the situation differently, then something might have happened, but I just can’t rely upon that.

Maybe I should be like… “but for you, one touch is FREE!” Eh, I am thinking too much!

After spending about three hours not talking to girls, we went to after hours, where we continued to strike out and be wallflowers.

There is always a next time. But fuck that shit. Carpe diem!

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