Tag Archives: confidence

LJBF means “Let’s Just Be Friends”

“You know… I don’t think my father would approve of me dating the undead, and you’re probably too nice a zombie-pirate for me anyway. Let’s just be friends instead.” – Elaine Barley in The Curse of Monkey Island

I went out last night.

My roommate, his ex-girlfriend and I went to see Notorious. A good, but not great, movie. I love this quote that Diddy says to B.I.G:

“In order to change the world, we have to change ourselves.”

Indeed.

On the way home, my roommate dropped me off at the bar where I met up with PartyGirl and PghGirl.

Party, Pgh and I were a team this past summer. We worked together, ate lunch together and went to the bar together. This past fall, Party and I found new jobs and everyone drifted apart. These two can be fun to hang out with, they are a refeshing change from the majority of my friends, because they are not intellectuals and don’t go to hipster events. They are attractive, girly girls that like to dress up and go to the club.

It was $1 Taco night at the bar we were at and I ate four. We were at the bar basically alone so there were no girls to talk to. Instead, I just caught up with those two, whom I hadn’t talked to in a long time. As we were leaving, the girl that PartyGirl’s boyfriend sees on the side walked into the bar. PartyGirl is a really melodramatic person and started freaking out. I found the whole situation funny, nothing happened, though.

I caught a ride with PghGirl as we moved onto a more ritzy bar where PartyGirl’s boyfriend was spinning. It was pretty empty there, too. It was a Monday night, after all. Nothing too eventful happened as we didn’t stay long. I was back home by 12:30am.

Both girls had this revelation about me, they said that I am much nicer and relaxed now because I am getting laid. I have a more positive demeanor than usual. This was funny, because I’m not getting laid right now, but I guess the prospect of having ladies in my life when there usually are none puts me in a much more positive mood.

I had been texting the redhead throughout the whole night. We had patched things up after the debacle on Friday when she was out of control. She thinks that a guy spiked her drink that night and that’s why she acted so erratically. While I certainly won’t rule out of the possiblity of her drink being spiked, I often think that girls use that as a cop out because they can’t hold their liquor. I don’t know redhead all too well though, so a spiked drink may have very well been the case.

During our texting, I have been trying to build things up sexually, but it’s not working. After Friday’s debacle, and me ignoring her on Saturday, something was lost between her and I. It seems much more like a friendship than two people who want to get together and fuck. I don’t know what to do about it. This always happens to me!

Part of me wants to place her down in my priority list, keep her as a friend, if she wants to hang out, then fine. There are sooo many other girls out there. The other part of me wants to get real aggressive and give her an ultimatum, either we start taking things sexually, or we stop talking altogether.

I know that the latter option is not me right now. I am just not that forthright and would begin to feel guilty if things went bad. Remember how I said I wasn’t talking to her after Friday night for awhile? Well I got drunk on Saturday night and started texting her again.

There was another girl I met two months ago where the same thing happened. I took HipsterGirl home the same night I met her at the bar, but unfortunately my penis decided to go into hibernation. We have remained in the friends zone ever since. On New Years eve, she was part of the drunk texting rampage that I went on, but thought all of the messages I sent were funny. I invited HipsterGirl to an MLK day event yesterday, but she declined because she didn’t want to take the bus with me.

So, when I do get up the courage to meet girls, I am STILL not aggressive enough and get thrown into the friends zone. Do you see how much a lack of self-confidence can hamper success in a person’s life? This is all very frustrating, to know what I have to do, but still not do it, just because of my brain.

Or as David Wygant put it so eloquently:

You have no physical handicaps. You have only mental handicaps. You are allowing a weak mind – and your fears and insecurities – to dominate your life. You’re not willing to communicate with people because you’re not willing to push yourself the extra distance.

Geez. that cuts right to the bone. I am going to have to write that somewhere so it’ll be the first thing I see when I wake up in the morning.

Right now, if I were to rate how I treat myself on a scale of 1 to a million bucks, I think $50 would be accurate right now. This needs to STOP and it’s frustrating because I am not sure that I know how!

Since I went out last night, no goals update today, but there will be tomorrow.

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It’s Just Talking to Girls…

“He who procrastinates, masturbates.” – Unsourced.

Last night was a bad night.

If Friday was a good night because of my actions, then tonight was exactly the opposite. Nothing bad happened, in fact nothing really happened at all.

It was the monthly hip hop night at the bar we went to. Our good friend was deejaying so we got in for free. We stepped in and no one was there, which was to be expected because it was snowing pretty badly outside.

We actually skipped a good friends birthday party at another bar in order to go to this DJ night. We had originally planned to get started earlier so we could go to both, but that just didn’t happen. I hope she isn’t too disappointed in us!

I was already pretty drunk when I got to the bar. I had pregamed a bit too hard. When it was time to go to the bar I was actually passed out on my bed, telling my roommate that I wasn’t going out. I quickly changed my mind, grabbed my jacket and headed out the door.

The bar was pretty barren for a little while, but then a decently sized crowd amassed out of nowhere. No one was dancing, though.

I was pretty drunk and feeling the music so, I just started dancing by myself alone on the dance floor.  Some people followed suit, and it eventually became pretty packed. I felt pretty proud of myself at that point.

That would be the most noteworthy thing I did all night.

The rest of the night wasn’t very noteworthy. I just danced by myself, eyefucked a lot of girls, but never actually pursued any. There were a few that in retrospect I could have easily talked to and danced with, but I got nervous and chickened out. I remember, at one point, standing next to this circle of black girls, and getting the feeling in my heart of nervousness that I get when I am about to do something, but then I chickened out. I remember being totally in my head during that whole period, trying to rationalize to myself why I SHOULDN’T talk to these girls, I just needed an excuse to make myself feel better.

In contrast, I looked at my friend, Crafton, who was doing his thing. Crafton is a total ham, he always has to be at the center of attention. He was approaching every single girl in the bar, doing a little dance or whatever. My other friend said he was on a mission to creep every girl out. Well, if he was trying to creep girls out, then he was doing a terribly bad job, because a lot of girls were feeling him. When we went to leave, we saw him outside brushing the snow off of this girls car. I haven’t talked to him yet, here’s hoping he had a threesome.

So, that night is over.

I can’t dwell on it, I can only learn from my inaction and do better next time. It’s funny, because for as long as I can remember, I have had success staring me RIGHT in the face, and what have I done? Everything in my power to prevent myself from succeeding. It’s really a fucked up way to live a life.

I need to be more present, I need to get over this fear of rejection, I need to basically stop being a pussy.

I mean, after all, it’s just talking to girls…

First Day 2 of 2009

“I will not have my kids call themselves dating anyone, or doing any activity that would remotely resemble what this generation calls dating. To what end would they do that? What would be the purpose? So they can fornicate?” – Shirley from the Most Hated Family in America

Tonight was a good night.

First, let me show you this very inspirational video. Don’t read any further until you’ve seen it in its entirety. It almost brought me to tears!

I went on my date with the redhead tonight.

I didn’t know if it was going to happen-I messaged her late in the day, and she said that she would probably be working until 10PM, and would not be able to make it. There was also a huge snow storm going on amidst all of this. When I got home, I planned my night as if it were one that would be spent indoors.

Around 7PM she said she would be able to make it at our originally scheduled time of 9PM.

Oh shit!

I quickly made some dinner, got ready, cleaned my room, then hiked in the snow for 40 minutes to make it to the bar. It normally doesn’t take that long, but when people don’t shovel their sidewalks, it takes a bit longer.

I get there, she messages me that she’s going to be late, I drink half of a beer, and there she is.

Damn, she looks better than I remembered.

Well dressed, young, cute face, pretty red hair, man I was impressed. We started talking, and quickly realized we had a LOT in common.  She is really into Buddhism, ithe liberal side of politics, OH and she watches a TV show called the Wire, which is my favorite show of ALL-TIME!

We got decently drunk, and towards the end of the night, I leaned in for a kiss. I don’t remember the specifics, but we made for a bit.

Man, she was really cute.

This is my problem with doing PUA stuff, I meet a girl and I am like, “yo, that’s the one!” It’s even different this time, because I DO have other options, she is just currently the best one.

There won’t be any chance for a relationship though, because she is moving away this summer. This is a good thing because I can continue to develop my PUA skills.

Here is where I faltered: I didn’t build enough attraction to have her invite me back to her house. I needed to be more aggressive and express intent MUCH earlier in the conversation, but like always, I got nervous and didn’t want to lose what I had.

No attachments in 2009.

Anyways, we are going to hang out sometime soon.  Hell, we might even go to the inauguration.

A good time tonight, my friends!

Dancing Monkey

“…And if I had the chance, I’d ask the world to dance, I was dancing with myself… oh oh uh-oh!” – Billy Idol

Last night, for lack of a better word, was strange.

A shit show, even.

It started at 7PM. People started coming over my house to watch the playoff game and start drinking. This was incredibly early to start, even for us, but because everyone had it in their mind that it was time to start drinking, who was I to say no?

We had a case of Yuengling, and after Baltimore won, King Lear and I watched The Professional before heading out to the bar.

It is now 10PM.

Before we leave, we notice the police parked in the street outside of our apartment. As we are going to King Lear’s car the cop stops us and says, “don’t leave yet, you’re getting a ticket for parking on the sidewalk.” We looked at Lear’s car-it was crooked and parked WELL on the sidewalk. It had been snowing the past two days, and I live on a hill, King Lear had originally parked the car on the sidewalk, but the car slipped, turned to the right, and there we have what looked like a botched parking job.

And so began our weird night.

King Lear had just gotten paid, so he took it upon himself to get us tanked tonight. Upon arrival, we order a Las Vegas Bomb, which is what we normally do, but that was followed by a vodka bomb no more than 15 minutes later.

Oh my, this would be a messy one.

I told Lear to slow down, as I didn’t want to black out tonight. I ended up talking to this one girl who was sitting next to me at the bar, but she was already there with a guy. Plus I didn’t find her attractive.

At one point I sat next to a guy that was more enamored with the Cardinals blowout than the bar. We struck up a conversation, and somehow he got into telling me about his addiction to cocaine. “I have lost friends, my job, gone into debt, everything because of cocaine.” I nodded my head, I didn’t know what to say.

This poor guy, when he realizes that we can get cocaine rather easily, is like can you guys get me an 8-ball? We tell him, “no, we can’t. We’re not going to do that to you.” Then he starts to rationalize to us the reasons why he’d be okay if we got it for him. We insist on telling him no. When he won’t stop, I tell him that he’d have to pay 3x the price for it. That got him to go away pretty quickly.

My thoughts on cocaine and drugs in general is this: when done in moderation there is nothing wrong with doing drugs. They can be fun when used responsibly. When done in excess however, drugs, cocaine especially, quickly become a problem, and this is what happened to our poor guy. I personally don’t care for cocaine all too much. I am more the kind of guy that likes to eat mushrooms and gain some perspective on the world.

The poor guy also told us he can get other pills like adderall, but we shove him off. Yeah, you and everybody else on the planet, buddy.

Later, I talked to a teacher and her friend, who actually worked at a place I used to work. Both of these girls were REALLY cute. I opened by saying, “…and I’ll take a lemon drop, thank you.” The girl actually got the lemon drop. I graciously say thank you, but I tell her that I didn’t really want it. We strike up a good conversation, but once again, I can’t hold the line. No sexual intent, no nothing. Conversation without intent means that you are a dancing monkey.

My roommate and other friends arrive on the scene.

We goof around for a little bit. We play some music on the jukebox, then drink a LOT more to the point where I would say I am pretty wasted. King Lear, on the other hand, is slurring his words, which I’ve NEVER seen him do before. He is a pretty big guy that can throw down with the best of them. He must have been off taking shots when I wasn’t around.

Two black girls are waiting for a drink and I talk to them. One of them pulls the afro pick out of my blazer. “How did you know it was there?” I asked her. She says, “I just know.” Nothing really happens there. They walk off five minutes later. Again, a dancing monkey.

PartyGirl and her friend also come through.

PartyGirl is my best friend that’s a girl. I used to work with her and she dates one of my friends. She is really cool and likes to go out a lot. She is hot and all of her friends are hot-I mean the kind of girls that date professional football players.

Our ever expanding group continues to goof around. My roommate tries to holler at PartyGirl’s friend. He also has a black girl that he talked to like two weeks ago on the other side of the bar. My roommate, who is also my best friend, is the man. He doesn’t really try to get women, but always seems to have pretty hot ones around. I wouldn’t say he’s a cassanova, but he does pretty well for himself.

The teacher and her friend, probably after seeing me talking to Party Girl say hello from across the bar. My social value has gone up. I don’t do anything with it, though.

At the end of the night, I start talking to a redhead and get her number. She actually opened me, she said that she liked my dancing and the fact that I always looked like I was having a good time. I messaged her a few times later that night, but I didn’t cut it off soon enough. She stopped messaging me after awhile. Fuck. Maybe I was too needy?

I messaged her a bit during the football game, she seemed pretty receptive. Sometimes being a Dancing Monkey has its advantages!

Still, at the end of the night, I felt disappointed in myself. Mostly this was because I was drunk. I need to stop being outcome dependent. I also need to meditate consistently, this vastly lessens any outbursts 0f anger or sadness I might have, even while drinking.

I know I said I was going to go out tonight, but when I woke up tonight, I made the decision that I would take it easy. I would much rather have a good night of rest, take care of some stuff around the apartment, and arrive to work in good condition tomororw. I might make it out on Tuesday, I haven’t decided yet.

So what are my sticking points?

– Need to set the sexual intent early in the conversation.

– Need to not be outcome depdendent. Need to curb outbursts of sadness and anger-meditation will help.

– Need to be more aggressive.

Life as a Spectator

In the long run men hit only what they aim at. Therefore, though they should fail immediately, they had better aim at something high. – Henry David Thoreau

I woke up today with a feeling of dread. As I tossed around in my bed for an hour or two and thought about my life, I came to the conclusion that there are two kinds of people in this world, “spectators” and “performers.” My friends, I am a spectator.

I can sit around all day and watch other people do things. I can watch my favorite team play football on the television, I can watch people having sex in adult videos, I can listen to rappers talk about the great lives they have etc. etc.. In my own personal life, I can watch my start working on a skill, they can learn to start dj’ing, or they can start. I can watch them fail, I can watch them succeed, but in the end I am always watching and end up saying, “I wish I had their life,” for better or worse.

Yesterday was Saturday, my last night out in my marathon of going out, spanning four nights.

I wish I could say, that last night was better than the last, because I finally got off my ass and did what I intended to do when I went out, but the fact is, I can’t. Sure, last night was better than Friday night, I didn’t text anyone and didn’t ruin any potential relationships.

But it still was a rather “blah” night.

After the previous night, I resolved that I wasn’t going to go out, I was going to stay inside and relax, which I hadn’t done since this past Tuesday night. Around 9pm, I changed my mind, telling myself that I have to go out if I want to get better. If I ever want to become the true social butterfly that I want to become, I have to go.

My roommate was spinning at after hours.

I decided that I would forgo going out for regular bar hours. I would instead relax until around 2 AM then head over. Around 10 o’clock King Lear comes over, and while watching the 40 year Old Virgin, I tell him, “we should go get a case.”

We go down to the beer distributor only to find that it’s closed. I tell him, “shit, might as well just go to the bar.”

We go to the bar and end up talking to these two girls. The (cuter) Indian girl my friend had been talking to off and off for quite awhile. The other girl was pretty cool, and I thought we were hitting it off, but at some point she moved away from me.

The conversations I engage in always seem canned. I feel like I’m always at a loss for words to say or to make the conversation move forward. No matter how many conversations I get into, I always end up doing the resume routine. “Oh, what do you do?” “What do you do in your free time?” BORING!

It’s not even that I am uninteresting. I think that I am one of the most interesting people that I know. It’s just that, right now, I am having a difficult time presenting that interesting person within the first 30 seconds-2 minutes of meeting a person.

Next week, I am going to resolve to break the resume chain. I was listening to Natural Tim last week and he says that he interrupts and says, “hey, I think [whatever the current subject is] is cool, but I don’t really want to talk about that right now. Let’s have fun!” Then I’ll have to figure out what we’d have to do to have fun.

Overall, I feel inhibited, scared even, when I am out in social situations. It’s like there is a voice in the back of my head that prevents me from doing what I want to do. I have to get rid of this voice because it is grossly impeding my progress.

After the bar, we went to after hours. There was NO ONE there. We drank, went to the diner at around 6am. Then I came home and slept.

Today is the end of my extended Christmas vacation.

I know that a lot of my posts have been dealing with PUA material, or just a basic rundown of my bar life. Expect a change in material over the course of the week, until well, the weekend comes again.

I think that this blog has been immensely helpful the past couple of days. It has kept me productive and makes me more conscious of things as I go throughout my day.

I am going to make a pledge to post on this blog everyday. I am also going to make a pledge to be absolutely honest in every post. I read over some of the posts I write, and I think to myself, “wow, this guys sounds like a whiny boy, why doesn’t he get off of his ass and just DO the things he talks about doing everyday?”

It’s hard for me to read over some of my posts, I feel embarassed about them, but in the end, if I ever want to become a better person, this will help me.

Rescue Me

Yesterday I had a job interview.

It’s with a company I worked at before my current job, but it’s permanent as opposed to temporary, which were the kinds of jobs I held there before. It pays a lot more money, $10,000/year more, to be exact.

I am actually overqualified for the position, so I think getting hired is just a formality. It all depends on my references from my previous bosses, which I’m sure will be fine.

This will be a HUGE step in the right direction for me, not only financially, but ambition-wise.

A year and a half ago, I got a very prestigious position at a non-profit company, but my boss was this homophobe/racist/misogynist guy that was too hard to deal with, and considering him and I were the only employees of the company, my only option was to quit.

Ever since then, I have not been aggressive in pursuing jobs. I have taken whatever is available and I have suffered not only financially but emotionally as well.

Yesterday was also New Years eve.

We started at around 8pm pregaming at my place. I had on a spiffy new shirt made by Donald Trump. I also got a haircut during the day. I looked good. Still, I was hampered by the Philly Cheesteak sub I ate earlier in the day. I passed a lot of gas when we made it to the bar later. It was embarassing.

Still, I did not let it stop me.

We pregamed pretty hard at my crib. I was pretty drunk by the time I got there. I drank some water to sober myself up.

I met a girl there, “Ginger,” who actually approached me by saying, “I like your hair.” I told her I liked her hair and we started dancing. Nothing of note really happened, just a lot of dancing, with her glancing around the dance floor for more intriguing prospects. Finally, her friends pulled her away and she left, I got her phone number, but I know that I did not build enough attraction. I should have pulled her aside after a song or two, and talked to her at the bar.

Later on, “New York” came up and said I’ll dance with you. New York is a girl that I had a fling with starting a year ago to this date, but I quickly became disinterested and moved on. Later in the year, she moved to New York and I hadn’t seen her since.

I have this thing where I just dance by myself at the bar. It is because I am too scared to approach women, I’ll have to work on this. She approached me and we started dancing. She is way drunk and trying to make out with me. Meanwhile, there are two hotties on both sides of me dancing by themselves. I should pushed her away and danced with them.

As the night comes to a close, New York is making it plainfully obvious that she wants to go home with me. Meanwhile, I am texting Ginger and asking her if she wants to go to afterhours. She says, “no I’m in PJ’s.” I call up my one friend and tell him to rescue me, because I just can’t tell this girl that I don’t want to go home with her.

My friend picks me up and we dash out of there. Onto afterhours!

After hours is pretty crowded. Once there, I am immediately approached by this punk rock looking girl. This girl is the girlfriend of my friend who brought me there’s friend. She starts touching my hair, I tell her, “that’s two dollars my friend.” She keeps touching it and running her hands through my hair. I look over at the boyfriend. This is awkward.

It turns out that this girl is a total loon. Still, we go back to her and the boyfriends house once afterhours is over, thinking that there will be people (girls) there.  Instead, it’s just them two and this gay kid who has a v-neck t-shirt on exposing his hairy chest. We don’t stay long.

One of my goals is to get better women. I’ll admit that “getting better with women” is very vague wording. What that means is that I would like to stop OOZING low self confidence wherever I go. It will be a good day when I log on to this blog and there are no “could haves” or “should haves” littered throughout my stories.