Tag Archives: failure

The Fine Art of Going Out Alone

“Solitude, the feeling and knowledge that one is alone, alienated from the world and oneself-is not an exclusively Mexican characteristic. All men, at some moment in their lives feel themselves to be alone. And they are. To live is to be seperated from what we were in order to approach what we are going to be in the future. Solitude is the profoundest fact of the human condition.” ~ Octavio Paz

I went out alone tonight.

It was Fat Tuesday and I had committed to going out a long time ago. Even after my first day back at my old job, I was convinced that I was going to go out. I have had this thing lately where I actually keep my commitments rather than being the generally flaky guy I normally am.

Still, it wasn’t easy. It was cold outside, and I missed my original bus which I thought was supposed to come at 10:50. As the clock struck 11:15, I decided to head back inside. It was 20 degrees outside, I would wait until the next one came indoors. The next bus came at 11:47, I hopped on it and took the 20 minute bus ride to the bar.

In the back of my mind on the bus ride was the question, “how am I going to get home?” I’d already answered this question in my head: if BartenderMan or Hero are there, ask them for a ride, if not, leave early and take a taxi.

It was really a simple and pragmatic solution. Sometimes I dwell on stupid shit. I’ve found that consistent daily meditation helps remove a lot of needless thoughts (overthinking).

I hadn’t been to a top 40 bar in awhile. I was calm but uncomfortable, the calmness aided by me taking an adderall. The uncomfortable is how I usually feel when I walk into a bar alone. Having a friend to lean on and talk to can be a real crutch when trying to do this PUA shit.

I mean, it’s a totally different experience because you don’t necessarily have anyone to talk to in the most social setting of them all. Some people who go to the bar alone sit in a stool and stare at a TV for hours on end, I’VE BEEN THERE! Lately however, I have struck up conversation with at least one stranger.

I walked into the bar and immediately got complimented on my hair by some dude, then some girl, totally unrelated. I tried striking up conversation with the girl, but it turned out the dude and the girl went to the same HS. After about five minutes, I was just the guy in the middle being ignored, trying to get a drink. The one dude had the LOUDEST voice, I was envious.

“Speak from your diaphragm!” He said.

I eventually said, fuck this shit and go upstairs. I open this one girl, but she is preoccupied because the guy she is with is talking to another girl. I should have been like, “fuck all that shit, I’m your guy tonight.”

As a side note, this was the wackest party in terms of Mardi Gras. First off, I went to college and went to PLENTY of Mardi Gras parties. In college, there would be PLENTY of indecent exposure at those parties whether you had beads or not, you would at least see a titty or something. Not the case tonight!

That’s not to say that naked women with beads was what I was looking for tonight. I actually think the concept of giving a girl a bead because she has lifted up her t-shirt or because she will make out with you is low grade prostitution, and while I’m not against prostitution by any means, I feel like I could save the $20 I would spend on beads and use it to get head from a street whore 3 blocks from where I live.

Anyways, lots of hot ladies running game on guys getting beads in exchange for good conversation from what I saw. Cool. I was inside my head a lot tonight, but I still managed to talk to a few ladies. Some lady I opened thought it was the green light for her to start talking about my hair like two minutes into the conversation, then her and her friend ran their hair through my shit. “Now where are MY beads?” I thought. Sheit.

The night ended by chatting up the coat check girl who actually works with Hero and Spy on occassion. She called me Kid and Play and I busted on her for it. There was no sexuality at all to the conversation, and she apologized for calling me that-I have an afro, not a high-top!

I left a little after 1:30 to ensure that I could catch a cab home. THREE cab drivers drove past me and opened their doors to people that were further down the street than me. When the fourth pulled up, I told him about this, and I told him I was mad at myself because I am just not aggressive enough while those people were.

“No, it’s because you are Black.” He told me.

He went on a diatribe about how he had been robbed three times, all by Black males. “You have a more educated look to you though, Leigh. But a lot of cab drivers don’t see that.”

That made me kind of sad. I understood where he was coming from, but I was still sad.

*Shrugs*

I can’t change the color of my skin. If a cab driver doesn’t want my money, I’ll find one who will!!!

***

So, what did I learn tonight?

The main lesson is that going out alone isn’t that bad. Ultimately, I am going to have to cut down on going out with King Lear, and venture out on my own. This weekend will likely be the first!

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Visualize the Endgame (let’s try this again)

“We do what we have to do in order to do what we want to do.”- Great Debaters

I have no clue what happened to my post yesterday, and honestly I don’t think there was anything TOO important that I needed to re-write the whole thing today. I will however, incorporate parts from yesterday into today’s post.

I am going to keep the blank post, as a reminder that I DID do something that day, even if the content is myseriously gone.

First, let’s  respond to a comment in response to a recent post:

Raba_D writes:

Dude you sound like the pua tylor durden. Relax and drop the porn. Just play the game more. Or you are simply becoming gay.

Well, I don’t think I’m becoming gay.

However, you are absolutely right in that I need to just drop the porn. I decided I woudl stop two days ago (Feb 17) for at least 30 days. It takes around that time to create or break a habit, so I am hoping that the desire will go away after that. It’s funny, whenever I get bored, porn is the first thing I turn to.

Yesterday, I talked about the endgame. I had been watching Heroes, and one of the shows antiheroes/antagonists, Sylar, had been talking about always knowing your outcome before starting something. Sylvester Stallone said the same thing when he was trying to get Rocky produced.

I spent some time visualizing the end game for my own goals:

1.) PUA – Being able to do approach any woman and more often than not, elicit attraction. I see myself at a TOP 40 bar near my house, casually talking to women as if it’s no big deal. The most remarkable thing is my MINDSET, which is devoid of the noise that I usually have when I’m at the bar. I am as calm as I might be if I spent a weekend at a zen retreat. I look to my phone and notice all of the women’s numbers in there, which is such a contrast from a few years ago.

2.) I have finished my rap album, and am now performing here and there at shows locally. The album artwork looks great, and there is even a cool little video on youtube. Every so often, a person I don’t even know tells me that they like my album and I smile about it.

3.) I have applied to grad. school and have been accepted into a Library Science program. The hours are long, but it’s great to have some direction in my life, career wise.

I plan on going out tomorrow, but barring a few events that I really can’t control, I probably won’t have any money. I just checked my bank balance, $3. I do have TONS of food, however. I imagine I will just head to a hipster bar up the street for the night, we’ll see though.

Visualizing the Endgame

Night of the Wallflowers

“You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, “I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.” – Eleanor Roosevelt

I got a lot done today.

It was mainly because I was so disgusted at myself yesterday. That is usually a prime motivating factor for me. Sometimes, it’ll go the other way, and I’ll get really depressed and sulk around my house all day.

Hmm… I wonder if I am onto something here.

Let’s take a look at my prime motivating factors:

I find that I’m motivated if I feel that I HAVE to do something, like there is no other alternative. Either I do it or I do it. In these cases, I will constantly try to test the bar as to which I HAVE to do something.

For example, over the years in school, I have constantly tested the bar for how much I had to do just to get by. I was always in gifted classes because my mother insisted that I enroll in them. The classes were never that difficult, they just required extra work. I wouldn’t say that the people I was in the class with were the smartest people per se, but definitely the most motivated. In those classes, I did just enough to get by, if I had to hold a B- just to stay in the class I would.

Or in college, I remember having teachers that said that they would mark off big time if I didn’t hand in a paper, but I would often call their bluff. I would hand in papers sometimes months late. I remember, for my REQUIRED history seminar, handing a paper TWO YEARS late, and getting a B on it, I might add. The only reason the paper got done is because it was a requirement to graduate.

Oftentimes, it is the approval of others that keeps me motivated. I remember, the most I EVER opened PUA-wise was the first weekend I ever went out. I went out with guys from my local lair, and I wanted to impress them SO MUCH. This guy Maverick would point to girls and I would just walk over, embarassing the fuck out of myself, against my better judgement, but because he said to do it, I did it. Later on, when some of the mystique of Maverick was lost, I never opened again.

Depending on other people to motivate me is unhealthy.

Sometimes I sit around and think about how little I am motivated and wonder how I could not be disgusted at myself. I have consistently worked towards a life of non-stress and little responsiblity. I am not even capable of paying my own bills right now.

I will say that my overall organization and motivation has improved over the past two months or so. I can actually look around my room right now and see that it is clean-which, if you were to rewind to a year ago in my life, my whole apartment would be filthy right now. I even just got done washing the dishes!

So there are improvements being made, and often I am quick to brush them aside, but I am hoping that I am slowly, moving in the right direction.

********

Okay, so last night.

There was this new house monthly dance night at a bar near my house, so I rolled with ManOnCouch around 11pm. ManOnCouch has been doing just that, staying at our place, chillin’ on the couch for the past couple of weeks.

MOC is a really great guy and I like chillin’ with dude. MOC is that he’s a bit older (30), doesn’t drink, and generally doesn’t like to go out. Still, he sits at home and is like, “man, I need to be like you Leigh, always hollering at girls!” The dude is pretty charasmatic, and when I ask him why he doesn’t talk to more girls, he always comes up with some excuse that doesn’t matter.

“You think too much!” I always tell him. “You right, you right, Leigh,” he responds.

Excuse wise, he is where I was at two years ago. I would come up with all of these superfluous excuses before finally realizing that it really all comes down to fear. Fear of success, fear of rejection, fear of leaving that nice little comfort zone you have created for yourself.

Now, you see how skewed another persons perception can be of another? Here is a guy that has basically LIVED with me for the past month and thinks that about me. Either he is delusional, or people just assume that the next man is doing better than him.

MOC and I go there, and don’t do SHIT. I mean, we just stand in the corner, and yeah we dance a little, but nothing of consequence. I tried to talk to this 28 year old girl who is married. A few attractive women tried to touch my hair, but I was like, “$2 dollars.” I’m not going to say that anymore because it doesn’t keep the conversation going, just gets weird reactions from females. Instead, I’m going to be like, “only if I can touch your hair first.”

This HOT asian girl wanted to touch my hair, I ran my spiel, then she walked away. I was thinking that if I had approached the situation differently, then something might have happened, but I just can’t rely upon that.

Maybe I should be like… “but for you, one touch is FREE!” Eh, I am thinking too much!

After spending about three hours not talking to girls, we went to after hours, where we continued to strike out and be wallflowers.

There is always a next time. But fuck that shit. Carpe diem!

The Broken Record

“I can accept failure, everyone fails at something. But I can’t accept not trying.” – Michael Jordan

I feel melancholy right now.

I could describe what happened tonight, but I would sound like a broken record, repeating the SAME MISTAKES that I’ve been typing about for the past month plus I have been keeping this daily blog. The reality is, that I’ve been repeating this mistake much longer than a month and a half, I have been repeating it since I was 13 years old.

I am talking about the mistake of inaction.

I just don’t know what to do, I go out with the best of intentions, “yeah I’m going to go all out, talk to girls tonight,” but then when I do go out, I sit on the side in fear. This has been the case in the past two years since I read the game and really got into PUA shit, and it was the case since I started going to parties at 18 years old.

The part that really frustrates me, is that I’m not too angry at myself. I always say, “oh, you’ll get ’em next time.” But I know that next time will probably be much like this time. It’s not that I don’t want this to change, I wouldn’t have started this blog or done a TON of things if I didn’t want it to change, I just don’t know how to stop myself from making the same mistakes over and over again.

I feel horrible. I’ll give a more detailed run down of my night tomorrow.  For right now, just know that inaction HAS to stop. It is simply not acceptable anymore. I am going to sit here and maybe cry, but I am going to think of ways to FORCE myself to change, because what I’ve been doing in the past hasn’t worked.

Ugh, I can’t accept not trying either, Michael.

Numbers Don’t Mean Shit

“Mistakes are a part of being human. Appreciate your mistakes for what they are: precious life lessons that can only be learned the hard way. Unless it’s a fatal mistake, which, at least, others can learn from.” – Al Franken

Last night, I got blacked out drunk.

Not good.

The day started off on a good foot. I woke up, meditated, ate breakfast, and accomplished everything I wanted to get done on my list. Earlier in the day, King Lear committed towards going out. Cool.

We took the bus down to the bar and proceeded to drink our faces off. It’s hard drinking with King Lear, he is twice my size and has a much higher tolerance than me.

Still, I managed to talk to this girl for a long time. Teacher was a cute girl, I thought we hit it off pretty well. I opened her by making a funny face at her and telling her to come over to where I was sitting.

I have this thing where I tease girls about stuff and that is my way of being flirtatious. I teased her about being a rich girl that teaches in a rich school district. That didn’t work too well. It’s because I’m being someone that I’m not. When I hang out with my friends, I don’t tease them about dumb shit. I just need to be a nice person. In the end, I got her number, but it ended up being the wrong one. Oh well.

Lesson learned: Numbers really don’t mean shit.

At least I can say that I’ve been consistently getting numbers  this year, I have gotten four so far. This surpasses my whole output from last year, so I am proud of myself.

Anyways, we left the bar and went to after hours, the second I entered the door, I blacked out. The next thing I remember is waking up the next day with a blistering headache. Apparently, I told the guy who drove us over that I had forgotten my keys and went out to his car and sat in it until they came out an hour later. His keys were in the car door.

I’m going to have to calm down on the shots when I roll with King Lear.

Happiness is Right Here, Right Now!

“Try to be happy in this present moment, and put not off being so to a time to come,—as though that time should be of another make from this, which has already come and is ours.” – Fuller

I should be at the zendo right now, meditating.

Instead, I am here at the computer, writing this blog.

I started off well intentioned. I get paid on Wednesday, and I have NO food in my refrigerator. I wanted to avoid eating out for lunch tomorrow so I ran to the supermarket after work. It’d be closed after zazen and study ended. When I got home, I had maybe 15 minutes to unpack the groceries, get ready then run down to the zendo.

That wasn’t happening.

I could have been late, but being late for zazen is plain rude. Walking through the zendo, setting down my zafu and zabuton and getting myself situated, it made no sense.

There will be next week.

Next week, I will plan my grocery shopping for the day before or after. It’s all a matter of working out the kinks.

Just like the tortoise, I will prevail in the end.

Since I’m home now, I can work on that assignment that I’d been meaning to do for the past couple of days.

I want to talk about some ideas in things I read or listened to in the past couple of days

A recent post on Erika Awakening’s blog, Awakening from the Dream, talks about overcoming emotions:

In an ever-shifting world, how do we keep our inner game rock solid? The best way I have found is paying attention to my feelings, literally moment to moment.

This is also a concept that Eckhart Tolle features pretty prominently in The Power of Now. Once I become aware that I am experiencing a negative emotion, I will become detached from it and easily get over that negative emotion.

At the zendo, we often have philosophical discussions, and someone will always say, “it’s okay to be angry, but it is important to just let that emotion pass through you, do not let it linger, let it pass through you.” This is exactly the same thing.

It is important not to identify with negative emotions, to not let them become a part of you. Sometimes I will hear people sometimes refer to themselves and say that they are “an angry person,” which they don’t realize is something that they choose to be!

I bring all of this up because today I was at work talking on chat with this one guy who was fired maybe two weeks ago. I was bitching about my job to this dude. I was pretty riled up at the time. Then, at one point, I took a step back and was like, “whoa, I am pretty angry right now, and there is no need to be.” I apologized, changed the subject, and felt 10x better!

When experiencing a negative situation or emotion, there are two things to do:

1.) Change the situation.

2.) Accept the situation fully.

In the case of my job, I have to accept the situation fully, because I simply cannot afford to stand up and quit. I am applying for other jobs and am pretty close to getting one as we speak.

Today, I was listening to David DeAngelo’s Man Transformation (can you tell that I love this guy??? Mancrush!) and heard this affirmation:

“Happiness is right here, right now.”

…which perfectly sums up the ideas I have just expressed. There is no, “I can’t wait until…” NO! Happiness is in what I am doing right here and right now. If I am not experiencing happiness, then I must either change the situation or accept it fully. The trick is to remember this when in a heated moment. Man, I should get a poster with that affirmation put right on my wall! My friends are going to think I am some weird self-help geek, but whatever!

Other notes:

– Notice how I started using the first person instead of second in this post. That is a topic for a whole OTHER post, my friends! Until tomorrow! 🙂

– If you haven’t already, check out Erika Awakening’s blog, Awakening from the Dream. She has some good articles for the PUA’s out there, from a females perspective, along with some insights on A Course in Miracles, which sounds interesting. Remember what David DeAngelo said about fully understanding another person?