Tag Archives: field reports

The Fine Art of Going Out Alone

“Solitude, the feeling and knowledge that one is alone, alienated from the world and oneself-is not an exclusively Mexican characteristic. All men, at some moment in their lives feel themselves to be alone. And they are. To live is to be seperated from what we were in order to approach what we are going to be in the future. Solitude is the profoundest fact of the human condition.” ~ Octavio Paz

I went out alone tonight.

It was Fat Tuesday and I had committed to going out a long time ago. Even after my first day back at my old job, I was convinced that I was going to go out. I have had this thing lately where I actually keep my commitments rather than being the generally flaky guy I normally am.

Still, it wasn’t easy. It was cold outside, and I missed my original bus which I thought was supposed to come at 10:50. As the clock struck 11:15, I decided to head back inside. It was 20 degrees outside, I would wait until the next one came indoors. The next bus came at 11:47, I hopped on it and took the 20 minute bus ride to the bar.

In the back of my mind on the bus ride was the question, “how am I going to get home?” I’d already answered this question in my head: if BartenderMan or Hero are there, ask them for a ride, if not, leave early and take a taxi.

It was really a simple and pragmatic solution. Sometimes I dwell on stupid shit. I’ve found that consistent daily meditation helps remove a lot of needless thoughts (overthinking).

I hadn’t been to a top 40 bar in awhile. I was calm but uncomfortable, the calmness aided by me taking an adderall. The uncomfortable is how I usually feel when I walk into a bar alone. Having a friend to lean on and talk to can be a real crutch when trying to do this PUA shit.

I mean, it’s a totally different experience because you don’t necessarily have anyone to talk to in the most social setting of them all. Some people who go to the bar alone sit in a stool and stare at a TV for hours on end, I’VE BEEN THERE! Lately however, I have struck up conversation with at least one stranger.

I walked into the bar and immediately got complimented on my hair by some dude, then some girl, totally unrelated. I tried striking up conversation with the girl, but it turned out the dude and the girl went to the same HS. After about five minutes, I was just the guy in the middle being ignored, trying to get a drink. The one dude had the LOUDEST voice, I was envious.

“Speak from your diaphragm!” He said.

I eventually said, fuck this shit and go upstairs. I open this one girl, but she is preoccupied because the guy she is with is talking to another girl. I should have been like, “fuck all that shit, I’m your guy tonight.”

As a side note, this was the wackest party in terms of Mardi Gras. First off, I went to college and went to PLENTY of Mardi Gras parties. In college, there would be PLENTY of indecent exposure at those parties whether you had beads or not, you would at least see a titty or something. Not the case tonight!

That’s not to say that naked women with beads was what I was looking for tonight. I actually think the concept of giving a girl a bead because she has lifted up her t-shirt or because she will make out with you is low grade prostitution, and while I’m not against prostitution by any means, I feel like I could save the $20 I would spend on beads and use it to get head from a street whore 3 blocks from where I live.

Anyways, lots of hot ladies running game on guys getting beads in exchange for good conversation from what I saw. Cool. I was inside my head a lot tonight, but I still managed to talk to a few ladies. Some lady I opened thought it was the green light for her to start talking about my hair like two minutes into the conversation, then her and her friend ran their hair through my shit. “Now where are MY beads?” I thought. Sheit.

The night ended by chatting up the coat check girl who actually works with Hero and Spy on occassion. She called me Kid and Play and I busted on her for it. There was no sexuality at all to the conversation, and she apologized for calling me that-I have an afro, not a high-top!

I left a little after 1:30 to ensure that I could catch a cab home. THREE cab drivers drove past me and opened their doors to people that were further down the street than me. When the fourth pulled up, I told him about this, and I told him I was mad at myself because I am just not aggressive enough while those people were.

“No, it’s because you are Black.” He told me.

He went on a diatribe about how he had been robbed three times, all by Black males. “You have a more educated look to you though, Leigh. But a lot of cab drivers don’t see that.”

That made me kind of sad. I understood where he was coming from, but I was still sad.

*Shrugs*

I can’t change the color of my skin. If a cab driver doesn’t want my money, I’ll find one who will!!!

***

So, what did I learn tonight?

The main lesson is that going out alone isn’t that bad. Ultimately, I am going to have to cut down on going out with King Lear, and venture out on my own. This weekend will likely be the first!

Advertisements

A Weekend, It Was.

“Dance like no one is watching. Sing like no one is listening. Love like you’ve never been hurt and live like it’s heaven on Earth.” – Mark Twain

I am employed again.

I got my old job back. I am talking the one I had BEFORE I worked at a bank. This is a job that I actually liked, but it was only ever temporary, and they made it pretty apparent that I would never be hired permanently. Still, it’ll be cool to have (relatively) steady income again.

This weekend, oh this weekend.

Friday:

King Lear and I returned to where we were the night before. We had a good time, I talked to some girls, I didn’t get PISS drunk, but nothing too eventful. I don’t remember any meaningful interactions. Later on, we went to afterhours, then went home. I saw HipsterGirl there, but she was with another guy, I did a half assed attempt at hollering, but in my drunkeness I realized that I am not interested.

Saturday

King Lear woke me up at 10AM to go to a snowboarding party they had down the street from where we live. We misread the flyer for this party because it didn’t start until two. We grabbed some breakfast, drank at a nearby bar, then headed over.

All in all, it was a good time, I met a few girls that I’d never met before, but in the back of my head I found myself worried about getting TOO drunk because I was literally going to be drinking for like 16 hours.

Life is always better without worrying.

We left the snowboarding jam at 7PM, took an hour break at our respective apartments, then headed out to the place I’d now been going to for three nights in a row. It was a small jaunt tonight, I tried to get on a girl I’d been talking to the other night to come with us to the NEXT place we were going, but she wasn’t having it. Oh well.

The next place we went to had a DJ from out of town and was a GREAT time. I spent a good amount of time talking to this girl who had a boyfriend. This normally doesn’t stop me, but then the guy showed up and I moved on. PUA aside, I saw a TON of people I hadn’t seen in awhile at this bar, and I remember the feeling of utter elation at certain points-just really vibing with the music and being around good friends. Sometimes it’s good to have those moments.

After that, we went to afterhours. It had been 15 hours of almost continuous drinking at this point. I was EXHAUSTED. Still, I met a cute girl with FUNNY glasses. I was pretty sure I managed to get a number, but when I got home I could not remember her name and nothing in my phone looked out of place.

It’s funny how I function like that sometimes, like my brain is on autopilot. I also remember talking to a woman who was ugly and had a kid who was my age. She was cool… but yuck.

The next morning I check my facebook only to realize that FunnyG had befriended me on Facebook. Oh, that’s what your name was!

No real exposition on the weekend, because outside of getting fucked up, nothing too crazy happened. I do want to calm down on the red bull flavored shots, those shits make my heart race like a cheetah!

Tomorrow is Mardi Gras, so I’m thinking I’m going to go out. We’ll see…

My HERO!

“We can all be heroes in our virtues, in our homes, in our lives.” – James Ellis

So I went back to the bar I was at last Thursday. Why? Because I thought TeacherGirl would be there! I wanted to clear up any shit that might have been caused by King Lear. I also wanted to figure out if I had gotten a wrong number.

Yes, I know this was a stupid stupid idea. If she gave me a bad number, so what? MOVE ON! However, it perplexes me that she would do such a thing, I feel like I hit it off with her pretty well, and maybe she just dialed it wrong.

She wasn’t there tonight.

I’ll see her again, it’s Pittsburgh, but if I don’t, oh well. Next week, I might go back to 80’s night and see LeaderGirl. The only reason I didn’t go to see LeaderGirl tonight was because I had no cash on hand, and I risked overdrafting at the bar I went to tonight.

King Lear decided not to go tonight, which was one of the rare times I’ve been at this bar without him. I was messaging the dude desperately wanting him to come out because I didn’t want to go out alone. In the end, it wasn’t a big deal. There were no real targets at the bar, and really only his ex-girlfriend hit on me pretty aggressively, but I’m not interested in her at all. Not to say that she isn’t attractive because she is, but she went out with my good friend to the point that she LIVED with him, that is NOT a good idea by any definition of the word!

If anything, I should have gotten at Hero, who was undoubtedly out tonight. Shit, he goes out any night he’s not working. He doesn’t drink anything but water, and goes out with the sole purpose of picking up women, he is a TRUE PUA.

The problem with Hero is that I usually feel uncomfortable when I go out with him. If the place is not up to his standards of girls, and 9/10 times it isn’t, then we have to leave. Most times I do agree with him, there are not enough girls to faciliate opening, but there is definitely work to be done, and oftentimes, we still stand there and do nothing.

Still, sometimes I just want to chill, get comfortable, and see what happens. He doesn’t drink so this is not an option for him. He is die hard. I admire him for this, I really do. If PUA was an army, he’d be first infantry, right there out on the front lines blasting at whomever, not giving a fuck if he died.

I realize that sitting and chilling is not conducive to PUA, and I think that in some ways I am not cut out to be one. Ultimately, all I really want to do is to be able to talk to females and elicit attraction more often than not. I want to get in touch with my core masculine identity and have a consistent roster of girls that I can get in touch with. A byproduct of this is that I will be able to talk to males and females that I’m not interested in.

Hero thinks this is stupid, he is not trying to befriend guys or ugly girls, he is just trying to fuck hot chicks. Sometimes I think that goes against him, because I feel like there is this weird aura that goes around him, that says, “fuck you, I only want your hot chicks!” Whereas with me, I say, “hey if you’re a cool and don’t smell, we can chill and talk, no problem. If you have hot girls around you though, I MUST talk to them.” I don’t make PUA the end all be all of a night, I just try to have the most fun I think that I can possibly have, and sometimes that is after only talking to maybe one girl.

By the way, I’m not trying to paint Hero as a villain or anything, I am just trying demonstrate how our minds our different in the way we go about things. We started PUA at the same time, and by far he has had the most succeess, no disputing that. Still, I feel that I have to have my own journey, as he has to have HIS own journey.

Hero is actually planning to move to Vegas, which is an idea I planned two years ago. He wants to go there for strictly PUA. Jeffy from RSD says that there is no better place on Earth to open women. My idea was to go there just because I think it would be a unique experience-I don’t think you could anywhere in the world that would be like Las Vegas. At first, I’ll admit, I was jealous and tried to discourage him from making this decision, but shortly into the conversation, I realized my wrongdoing and began encouraging him to make this move in his life.

Seriously, I wish him the best of luck, but Hero is so smart I’m sure he won’t have much of a problem. In a way, I am sad because if he’s gone, and Roommate and Crafton don’t really go out anymore, and King Lear is out of commission most nights because he has a girlfriend, then that means I will be going out solo a lot this summer.

Maybe this will be the kick in the butt that I need!

All in all, GREAT times ahead, my friends!

The Lights Go Out and the Ball Gets Dropped

“I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.” – Marilyn Monroe

Last Wednesday night, the electricity here went out for a good 18 hours. There were hurricane like winds and I guess shit got blown out.

Obviously, I wasn’t able to post for a day or two. However, even afterward, I was out of the habit, and it’s taken me this long to get back on the horse.

Since we’re looking at the past, let’s look at how the past weekend went:

Thursday

I got bored sitting at home with no electricty, so I went over to King Lear’s. Toegether, we were bored out of our minds and decided that we should take advantage of the relatively good weather and take a stroll across town. He brought his camera and we had an adventure. We saw some people we knew, met some new people, checked out a few lesser known sites of the city, it was all around a good time.

Around 8:45 we headed to the bar.

Nothing of note really happened, outside of TeacherGirl making an appearance. I had met TeacherGirl last week and thought I really hit it off with her, but when I called texted her at the number she gave me later that night,  it was the wrong digits.

When she said hello, I didn’t mention the wrong number because maybe I’ve read too many PUA texts and generally they said that would be a bad idea. Still, I had a hard time masking that I was angry at her, so much so that she came back later and said that I seemed angry at her. I told her, “no, not at all.” This was a complete lie, because of course my feelings were hurt. But that was how I WANTED To feel.

It’s hard to put the ego down sometimes. It feels like, no matter how hard I try, I am still very much attached to this world. The point is to stop trying, the enlightened buddhist might say. I am thinking too much.

Anyways, I tried to chat her up, but after like a minute she interrupted and told me she had to go. Very awkward exchange. Part of it is because King Lear was rude to her. The next day I pondered whether she had just been in error in giving me the number or whether she had intentionally given me the wrong number. If the number she typed in was error, then she was probably pissed that I never called.

I guess I’ll never know. If I see her again, I COULD confront her about it, but even if she did, she’d probably deny it, and I’d get the number out of pity.

I am THINKING too much. Fuck, I am a chode. I am going to assume good faith, and if I ever do see her again, tell her that I think she mistyped her number into my phone and that’s why I never called. It’s honest and non-accusatory, I like it.

We went to after hours later and somehow made it like 14 hours of drinking constantly. I had a nice buzz going, but I wasn’t drunk because I didn’t want to repeat last week.

****

Friday:

I didn’t go out on Friday for the second week in a row. It’s hard when you put in Thursdays like that. Not this week though, I am going to do all three days this weekend.

****

Saturday:

I went out by myself.

No one I roll with wanted to go out, and I had stuff to do until around 11-11:30, so I went to a nearby bar where my friends were spinning and they had *gasp* a pudding wrestling competition.

Now, there are a number of a reasons a pudding wrestling competition doesn’t appeal to me. Firstly, I went to college and I was in a frat, so I’ve seen many pudding/jello/plain wrestling competitions in my day. Secondly, in an over-sexualized society where I can see Ava Devine get blasted in her vagina and her asshole at the same time with a few clicks of the mouse, something as tame as a pudding wrestling competition isn’t going to do anything for me. Lastly, I go out to talk to girls, and pudding wrestling didn’t strike me as a place to talk to women.

I stayed until the first round was over then I headed to another bar.

I ran into HipsterGirl at the next bar. HipsterGirl is the one I ate mushrooms with not too long ago. I come in just as her friends are leaving. We talk for awhile about whatever.

She tells me at one point, “I really like hanging out with you…” while staring into my eyes, which would have been any self-respecting man’s invitation for a full makeout session, but nope. I dropped the ball.

We head back to the pudding wrestling because she wants to, but the nights over. I don’t know why I wasted our time. After that, we went to a random house party where she kinda knew the people living there. She started talking to this dude she knew and I felt out of place so I left.

She asked me at one point, “Should I be leaving with you…?”” And I simply said, “No, stay.” I think my ego was bruised at this point because she was paying more attention to this guy than me, but there is this feeling inside me that I just didn’t care if she came back to my place or not. Maybe I am just not attracted to her like that.

Maybe it’s, like I said before, that I was looking more forward to seeing Ava Devine get blasted with two dicks than actually bringing a girl home myself.

Sad.

*****

SO HERE WE ARE AT A NEW WEEK!

Routine-wise, I hope to pick up where last week left off. I have been exercising, meditating, and writing rhymes every morning/afternoon, depdending on when I wake up. I want to add a little running at some point – that’ll happen this weekend and eventually, move my meditation up to 30 minutes. Twenty minutes feels so short!

Most importantly though, I want to put down the porn for a little while. I don’t watch it nearly as much as I used to, but I still feel like it ruins my experiences when I go out. A once a week binge would be good.

The problem is, that I don’t get excited about sex. I get nervous about it, because I am not sure if I’ll be good in bed or not. For porn however, since I am not dependent on anyone, I am totally in control.

Ah, I’m thinking too much again. I need to assume that I’ll always perform well, and enjoy sex as sex. Live in the present moment, motherfucker.

One day it’ll click for me, you’ll see!

Flaking

“Eighty percent of success is showing up.” – Woody Allen

Real quick, I am about to pass out here.

I went to see this guy lecture this afternoon, but when I got there, I peeked in, and the room looked full. I quickly walked away and didn’t partake in the lecture. I saw people go in after me, find a seat and sit down.

I felt like a pussy in a lot of ways, I should have just walked in and taken a seat. Instead, I just cowered away like always…

UGH.

I AM GOING TO DO BETTER!

Anyways, I also went out tonight. It was funk and soul night and my man was spinning. This was actually the after party for the guy lecturing. ManOnCouch and I rolled through, the jams were playing, we had a good time. There weren’t many girls there, but the few that were there, approached MOC. Good for him!

I was supposed to meet the Redhead there, but she never showed up. She flaked on me, because she was painting with a friend. I am going to tell her that we are no longer text friends and that she must now call me if she wants to talk to me!

*******

Hero came back from his RSD bootcamp today, he didn’t have as great a time as I hoped. I think, in large part, it’s because his (and my) standards were set to high. He had a bootcamp with Jeffy, and over the couple years I have known him, we have grown to idolize him. Seeing him in person as a human must have stepped him down a notch.

Still, if I had 2,000 to blow, I would take a bootcamp with RSD and no one else. No one else seems even as close to professional!

Night of the Wallflowers

“You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, “I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.” – Eleanor Roosevelt

I got a lot done today.

It was mainly because I was so disgusted at myself yesterday. That is usually a prime motivating factor for me. Sometimes, it’ll go the other way, and I’ll get really depressed and sulk around my house all day.

Hmm… I wonder if I am onto something here.

Let’s take a look at my prime motivating factors:

I find that I’m motivated if I feel that I HAVE to do something, like there is no other alternative. Either I do it or I do it. In these cases, I will constantly try to test the bar as to which I HAVE to do something.

For example, over the years in school, I have constantly tested the bar for how much I had to do just to get by. I was always in gifted classes because my mother insisted that I enroll in them. The classes were never that difficult, they just required extra work. I wouldn’t say that the people I was in the class with were the smartest people per se, but definitely the most motivated. In those classes, I did just enough to get by, if I had to hold a B- just to stay in the class I would.

Or in college, I remember having teachers that said that they would mark off big time if I didn’t hand in a paper, but I would often call their bluff. I would hand in papers sometimes months late. I remember, for my REQUIRED history seminar, handing a paper TWO YEARS late, and getting a B on it, I might add. The only reason the paper got done is because it was a requirement to graduate.

Oftentimes, it is the approval of others that keeps me motivated. I remember, the most I EVER opened PUA-wise was the first weekend I ever went out. I went out with guys from my local lair, and I wanted to impress them SO MUCH. This guy Maverick would point to girls and I would just walk over, embarassing the fuck out of myself, against my better judgement, but because he said to do it, I did it. Later on, when some of the mystique of Maverick was lost, I never opened again.

Depending on other people to motivate me is unhealthy.

Sometimes I sit around and think about how little I am motivated and wonder how I could not be disgusted at myself. I have consistently worked towards a life of non-stress and little responsiblity. I am not even capable of paying my own bills right now.

I will say that my overall organization and motivation has improved over the past two months or so. I can actually look around my room right now and see that it is clean-which, if you were to rewind to a year ago in my life, my whole apartment would be filthy right now. I even just got done washing the dishes!

So there are improvements being made, and often I am quick to brush them aside, but I am hoping that I am slowly, moving in the right direction.

********

Okay, so last night.

There was this new house monthly dance night at a bar near my house, so I rolled with ManOnCouch around 11pm. ManOnCouch has been doing just that, staying at our place, chillin’ on the couch for the past couple of weeks.

MOC is a really great guy and I like chillin’ with dude. MOC is that he’s a bit older (30), doesn’t drink, and generally doesn’t like to go out. Still, he sits at home and is like, “man, I need to be like you Leigh, always hollering at girls!” The dude is pretty charasmatic, and when I ask him why he doesn’t talk to more girls, he always comes up with some excuse that doesn’t matter.

“You think too much!” I always tell him. “You right, you right, Leigh,” he responds.

Excuse wise, he is where I was at two years ago. I would come up with all of these superfluous excuses before finally realizing that it really all comes down to fear. Fear of success, fear of rejection, fear of leaving that nice little comfort zone you have created for yourself.

Now, you see how skewed another persons perception can be of another? Here is a guy that has basically LIVED with me for the past month and thinks that about me. Either he is delusional, or people just assume that the next man is doing better than him.

MOC and I go there, and don’t do SHIT. I mean, we just stand in the corner, and yeah we dance a little, but nothing of consequence. I tried to talk to this 28 year old girl who is married. A few attractive women tried to touch my hair, but I was like, “$2 dollars.” I’m not going to say that anymore because it doesn’t keep the conversation going, just gets weird reactions from females. Instead, I’m going to be like, “only if I can touch your hair first.”

This HOT asian girl wanted to touch my hair, I ran my spiel, then she walked away. I was thinking that if I had approached the situation differently, then something might have happened, but I just can’t rely upon that.

Maybe I should be like… “but for you, one touch is FREE!” Eh, I am thinking too much!

After spending about three hours not talking to girls, we went to after hours, where we continued to strike out and be wallflowers.

There is always a next time. But fuck that shit. Carpe diem!

The Broken Record

“I can accept failure, everyone fails at something. But I can’t accept not trying.” – Michael Jordan

I feel melancholy right now.

I could describe what happened tonight, but I would sound like a broken record, repeating the SAME MISTAKES that I’ve been typing about for the past month plus I have been keeping this daily blog. The reality is, that I’ve been repeating this mistake much longer than a month and a half, I have been repeating it since I was 13 years old.

I am talking about the mistake of inaction.

I just don’t know what to do, I go out with the best of intentions, “yeah I’m going to go all out, talk to girls tonight,” but then when I do go out, I sit on the side in fear. This has been the case in the past two years since I read the game and really got into PUA shit, and it was the case since I started going to parties at 18 years old.

The part that really frustrates me, is that I’m not too angry at myself. I always say, “oh, you’ll get ’em next time.” But I know that next time will probably be much like this time. It’s not that I don’t want this to change, I wouldn’t have started this blog or done a TON of things if I didn’t want it to change, I just don’t know how to stop myself from making the same mistakes over and over again.

I feel horrible. I’ll give a more detailed run down of my night tomorrow.  For right now, just know that inaction HAS to stop. It is simply not acceptable anymore. I am going to sit here and maybe cry, but I am going to think of ways to FORCE myself to change, because what I’ve been doing in the past hasn’t worked.

Ugh, I can’t accept not trying either, Michael.