Tag Archives: meditation

The Lights Go Out and the Ball Gets Dropped

“I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.” – Marilyn Monroe

Last Wednesday night, the electricity here went out for a good 18 hours. There were hurricane like winds and I guess shit got blown out.

Obviously, I wasn’t able to post for a day or two. However, even afterward, I was out of the habit, and it’s taken me this long to get back on the horse.

Since we’re looking at the past, let’s look at how the past weekend went:

Thursday

I got bored sitting at home with no electricty, so I went over to King Lear’s. Toegether, we were bored out of our minds and decided that we should take advantage of the relatively good weather and take a stroll across town. He brought his camera and we had an adventure. We saw some people we knew, met some new people, checked out a few lesser known sites of the city, it was all around a good time.

Around 8:45 we headed to the bar.

Nothing of note really happened, outside of TeacherGirl making an appearance. I had met TeacherGirl last week and thought I really hit it off with her, but when I called texted her at the number she gave me later that night,  it was the wrong digits.

When she said hello, I didn’t mention the wrong number because maybe I’ve read too many PUA texts and generally they said that would be a bad idea. Still, I had a hard time masking that I was angry at her, so much so that she came back later and said that I seemed angry at her. I told her, “no, not at all.” This was a complete lie, because of course my feelings were hurt. But that was how I WANTED To feel.

It’s hard to put the ego down sometimes. It feels like, no matter how hard I try, I am still very much attached to this world. The point is to stop trying, the enlightened buddhist might say. I am thinking too much.

Anyways, I tried to chat her up, but after like a minute she interrupted and told me she had to go. Very awkward exchange. Part of it is because King Lear was rude to her. The next day I pondered whether she had just been in error in giving me the number or whether she had intentionally given me the wrong number. If the number she typed in was error, then she was probably pissed that I never called.

I guess I’ll never know. If I see her again, I COULD confront her about it, but even if she did, she’d probably deny it, and I’d get the number out of pity.

I am THINKING too much. Fuck, I am a chode. I am going to assume good faith, and if I ever do see her again, tell her that I think she mistyped her number into my phone and that’s why I never called. It’s honest and non-accusatory, I like it.

We went to after hours later and somehow made it like 14 hours of drinking constantly. I had a nice buzz going, but I wasn’t drunk because I didn’t want to repeat last week.

****

Friday:

I didn’t go out on Friday for the second week in a row. It’s hard when you put in Thursdays like that. Not this week though, I am going to do all three days this weekend.

****

Saturday:

I went out by myself.

No one I roll with wanted to go out, and I had stuff to do until around 11-11:30, so I went to a nearby bar where my friends were spinning and they had *gasp* a pudding wrestling competition.

Now, there are a number of a reasons a pudding wrestling competition doesn’t appeal to me. Firstly, I went to college and I was in a frat, so I’ve seen many pudding/jello/plain wrestling competitions in my day. Secondly, in an over-sexualized society where I can see Ava Devine get blasted in her vagina and her asshole at the same time with a few clicks of the mouse, something as tame as a pudding wrestling competition isn’t going to do anything for me. Lastly, I go out to talk to girls, and pudding wrestling didn’t strike me as a place to talk to women.

I stayed until the first round was over then I headed to another bar.

I ran into HipsterGirl at the next bar. HipsterGirl is the one I ate mushrooms with not too long ago. I come in just as her friends are leaving. We talk for awhile about whatever.

She tells me at one point, “I really like hanging out with you…” while staring into my eyes, which would have been any self-respecting man’s invitation for a full makeout session, but nope. I dropped the ball.

We head back to the pudding wrestling because she wants to, but the nights over. I don’t know why I wasted our time. After that, we went to a random house party where she kinda knew the people living there. She started talking to this dude she knew and I felt out of place so I left.

She asked me at one point, “Should I be leaving with you…?”” And I simply said, “No, stay.” I think my ego was bruised at this point because she was paying more attention to this guy than me, but there is this feeling inside me that I just didn’t care if she came back to my place or not. Maybe I am just not attracted to her like that.

Maybe it’s, like I said before, that I was looking more forward to seeing Ava Devine get blasted with two dicks than actually bringing a girl home myself.

Sad.

*****

SO HERE WE ARE AT A NEW WEEK!

Routine-wise, I hope to pick up where last week left off. I have been exercising, meditating, and writing rhymes every morning/afternoon, depdending on when I wake up. I want to add a little running at some point – that’ll happen this weekend and eventually, move my meditation up to 30 minutes. Twenty minutes feels so short!

Most importantly though, I want to put down the porn for a little while. I don’t watch it nearly as much as I used to, but I still feel like it ruins my experiences when I go out. A once a week binge would be good.

The problem is, that I don’t get excited about sex. I get nervous about it, because I am not sure if I’ll be good in bed or not. For porn however, since I am not dependent on anyone, I am totally in control.

Ah, I’m thinking too much again. I need to assume that I’ll always perform well, and enjoy sex as sex. Live in the present moment, motherfucker.

One day it’ll click for me, you’ll see!

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The Best Year of My Life (part 3)

“If you’re walking down the right path and you’re willing to keep walking, eventually you’ll make progress.” – Barack Obama

First, some thoughts about yesterday.

Yesterday was a historic moment in our nation’s history. While I don’t think Barack Obama will the savior that many people are looking for, I do think that he will be a more effective president than the man we had in office for the past eight years.

Furthermore, it is hard to ignore the symbolic value of Barack’s presidency-he has broken down what might be considered the final color barrier for minorities in America. Does that mean he has single handedly ended racism? No, racism or discrimination for that matter will always exist in a ego-fueled society. Barack Obama has pereservered in spite these barriers. I think that is very powerful and inspiring.

I am disheartened when I hear or read about people who say that they could care less about what happened. Yesterday was one of the most remarkable events of our lifetime, whether you agree with the mans views or not. His middle name is “Hussein” for crying out loud. It goes to show, that no matter the odds, no matter the, if you have the will, YOU WILL SUCCEED.

David Wygant has a very inspiring video related to yesterdays inauguration:

Onto the goals update.

Without further ado:

I realized yesterday that in following my New Deal Plan, it makes more sense to have daily, weekly, and overall goals. I am going to list my weekly goals here at the beginning of every week.

– Find a new job – It looks like the job that I thought I had gotten has fallen through.
– Finish song.

Overall goals:

1. Write on this blog everyday

21 days and counting, no stops. There have been a few close calls, but honestly I really like writing this blog everyday. It is therapeutic, and helps me get my thoughts in order.

2. Cut down on watching porn

I am surprised that this is going so well. I have cut down IMMENSELY on my porn watching, and have even skipped days. Having women in my life helps cut down on this a lot. Also, I have made watching porn much more of a ritual-I watch one full scene, and practice my Stalin technique throughout. It is much more of a practice of restraint than pleasure.

3. Meditate Everyday

I am on a once a week average with meditation. I meditated yesterday but was interrupted by my Father calling, I actually thought it was the alarm sounding to end the session. Tonight, I plan to return to the zendo depending on when my date with the redhead is. I will probably miss out on the Transmission of Light reading, but I am not sure that I get much out of these readings.

4. Exercise/Eat healthy

The Hamburger Helper is gone, so my eating is a lot healthier. I have been splurging on KFC every Sunday, but I think that will end once football is over. This morning I had a chicken salad, which is probably what I will also have for dinner.

I have to save the money for the gym membership because I am now unemployed. Although, a few pushups and sit ups to start my day wouldn’t be bad.

I need to come up with a morning routine!

5. Apply for new job/Graduate School

Applying for new jobs is now a necessity since I am unemployed and have no money saved. I made a rash decision to quit my job and am now dealing with the consequences. I made an appointment with a temp agency for Monday, but what I’ve been doing for the past couple of years.

I am going to start working on grad. school apps starting today.

6. Meet More Women

I fell off pretty bad this weekend. Thursday I didn’t do anything, Friday I was embarassed by the redhead, Saturday I didn’t do anything, and even on Sunday I was introverted. I am in a slump right now. Too much inside my head.

This weekend will be different, mainly because I will be cutting down on the alcohol since I am now broke. But I will also be returning to the top 40 clubs, which I haven’t really gone to since the fall started. I am just going to have to step up, be a man, and not be outcome dependent.

7. Learn How to Drive

Going out to practice with Hero in about an hour or so. Will schedule test in the next week or two. Since I am unemployed, there is daylight, which means there is time to practice!

8. Finish Rap Album

I finished a verse yesterday, I just have to fix it up. A good hour a day or so will help. I really enjoy writing, it’s stupid that I don’t do it more often!

9. Better Management of $$$

This has me pretty nervous right now. I have no steady stream of income coming in as of today (my last paycheck was received). I have enough to pay my bills and enough food to last until the middle of next month, but my social life will suffer dearly. I am confident I can whether this storm and make better decisions in the future.

Best Year of My Life (part 2)

“Mission is at the heart of what you do as a team. Goals are merely steps to its achievement. Mission has an eternal quality. Goals are time bound and once achieved, are replaced by others.– Patrick Dixon

It’s Friday. I had the day off because I was fired yesterday. It hasn’t been the most productive day, although I did get some things done. A lot of it was spent texting Red from Wednesday.

Without further ado:

1. Write on this blog everyday

Haven’t missed a day yet, sixteen and counting. There have been a few that I have technically finished the next day, like after midnight, but I am going to count it as the same day as long as it’s finished before I go to sleep.

It takes me a lot less time to write these posts now, and I think that I am improving grammar-wise. Hopefully, there aren’t any tense shifts in my posts anymore.

Good job!

2. Stop Watching Porn Cut down on watching porn

I amended this goal a little bit- I have simply cut down on my watching, only at the end of the day after I have accomplished all of my tasks. Doing this has actually made me lose the zest I once had to watch porn. There were two days this week where I didn’t watch any porn at all. Even last night, I put some on, and just wasn’t feeling it, so I turned it off.

I think that the reason I watch porn is because I have self-esteem issues. The times when I go off on some crazy binge and download and watch nothing but porn all day are when I feel the worst about myself. Conversely, when I have women in my life, and I feel that I am accomplishing things, it is the first thing that goes out the door. I know that it’s bad to use women as validation, but that isn’t necessarily the case with me. I find that I stop watching as much porn if I simply OPEN and talk to women, no matter if I get played or not.

3. Meditate Everyday

I meditated once this week, and it was a bad experience.

I was very anxious throughout the whole sitting, wondering when it was going to end. I didn’t even last the full 30 minutes. Instead of going to zazen at the zendo this week, I went on the date with the redhead.

It’s not that I don’t want to meditate, but when I get home I think about all of the things I have to do and meditation is always the first thing cut out. Meditation has a TON of benefits for me, I am going to make it more of a priority.

When I get home from work, I am going to meditate, even if I am hungry.

4. Exercise/Eat healthy

I have the $$$ for the membership to the gym, but since I got fired prematurely, I am going to have to save that money.

I ate the last of the hamburger helper this week, too. I told myself, when the last box is done, no more of that for you. I made some pasta tuna salad which has lasted me a couple of days!

5. Apply for new job/Graduate School

It looks like that new job is falling through, so I am going to get on the ball with this very soon. I will call the temp. agency on Monday and start applying for permanent jobs  next week.

As far as graduate school, no movement on that front. I need to make a plan of recommendations and get ready to write the best acceptance letter ever. I am afraid of failing, that’s why I haven’t done this yet.

6. Meet More Women

Met the redhead last Saturday, and talked to a few more girls that night, but I did nothing last night. I need to write down my goals for each specific night in my notepad before I go out, just like PUA Sinn says.

Honestly, I really like the redhead. There aren’t too many girls that I can get along with on an intellectual level. It might be cool to get serious with this girl. I don’t know, I’ll have to see how it goes. Part of me thinks that this is a cop out to stop sarging. I am conflicted.

7. Learn How to Drive

No progress here this week, although if I’m not working next week, getting some practice in during the day could certainly be helpful. I’ll have to schedule a test in the very near future.

8. Finish Rap Album

I wrote a little today, but not enough to finish a song. I hope to complete a song either tomorrow or Sunday. I want to complete one song per week.

9. Better Management of $$$

Much better on this front this week, I stuck to my budget and didn’t spend too much eating out. Getting fired changes things though, I am going to have to conserve and cut things out until I get something steady.

I am sure that this will be the best year of my life.

Description of the Practice

“When you sit, you will sit…” – Shunryu Suzuki

When I arrived home from work today, I sat for the first time in a week.

It was hard.

Whenever I sit at home, I get this nagging feeling that I have set my alarm incorrectly and that I’ve been sitting for too long. This stems from an actual time when I sat for 50 minutes because I mis-set my alarm.

As such, every so often I will stop meditating TWO minutes before my scheduled 30 minute goal. There are times when I get disappointed with myself for stopping early, “why couldn’t you just stick it out for TWO more minutes???” I would scream at myself, but this does no good. Today, when I stopped early, I told myself that I was thankful to have lasted 28 minutes, and that next time the full 30 would be well within my grasp.

When I sit at home, I sit on my bed and stare at a wall. I don’t have the space for a zafu and zabuton, so I make do. When I go to zazen at the zendo, it makes for an uncomfortable hour because I am not used to sitting in seiza position. Oftentimes, my foot will fall asleep.

I learned long ago not to expect anything out of my practice. If my mind wanders, I simply let it wander. I know that if I start thinking thoughts like, “no I should not be thinking about that, I shouldn’t be thinking about anything!” It will lead me down a path of frustration. My practice is a much more enjoyable experience this way. It is filled with brief periods of what I would consider to be no-mind, I lose consciousness of everything-to the point of when I come to, I am startled and have to remind myself where I am. It is like waking up from a sleep but in actuality, I was wide wide awake.

When I was practicing on a daily basis, I started encountering very brief periods where I felt light headed, and was overcome by a tingling sensation. The word “calm” is the best way to describe my emotion in these situations. It’s like I understood or maybe even no longer cared about all of the problems and issues in my life. Even if just for a second…

A guy at my zendo said that as I practice more, I will begin to add new things onto my practice. I don’t know what he meant then, but after that experience, I think I have at least a cursory understanding.

There are also times when I practice that I find myself fighting off sleep. I implore myself to struggle through these times. I try to concentrate on my breathing. Slow, deep, breaths…

More often than not however, I skip meditating altogether. The usual reason is that it is taking up to much time during my day. I simply have too much to do. It’s at these times I forget how beneficial sitting can be for me. First, you mental benefits that doing an acivity consistently brings, but when you meditate, you also, at its most basic level, have a 30 minute reprieve from the world. Your problems, they are out there, in the world. When you sit, all you have are your thoughts. Nothing more.

Dancing Monkey

“…And if I had the chance, I’d ask the world to dance, I was dancing with myself… oh oh uh-oh!” – Billy Idol

Last night, for lack of a better word, was strange.

A shit show, even.

It started at 7PM. People started coming over my house to watch the playoff game and start drinking. This was incredibly early to start, even for us, but because everyone had it in their mind that it was time to start drinking, who was I to say no?

We had a case of Yuengling, and after Baltimore won, King Lear and I watched The Professional before heading out to the bar.

It is now 10PM.

Before we leave, we notice the police parked in the street outside of our apartment. As we are going to King Lear’s car the cop stops us and says, “don’t leave yet, you’re getting a ticket for parking on the sidewalk.” We looked at Lear’s car-it was crooked and parked WELL on the sidewalk. It had been snowing the past two days, and I live on a hill, King Lear had originally parked the car on the sidewalk, but the car slipped, turned to the right, and there we have what looked like a botched parking job.

And so began our weird night.

King Lear had just gotten paid, so he took it upon himself to get us tanked tonight. Upon arrival, we order a Las Vegas Bomb, which is what we normally do, but that was followed by a vodka bomb no more than 15 minutes later.

Oh my, this would be a messy one.

I told Lear to slow down, as I didn’t want to black out tonight. I ended up talking to this one girl who was sitting next to me at the bar, but she was already there with a guy. Plus I didn’t find her attractive.

At one point I sat next to a guy that was more enamored with the Cardinals blowout than the bar. We struck up a conversation, and somehow he got into telling me about his addiction to cocaine. “I have lost friends, my job, gone into debt, everything because of cocaine.” I nodded my head, I didn’t know what to say.

This poor guy, when he realizes that we can get cocaine rather easily, is like can you guys get me an 8-ball? We tell him, “no, we can’t. We’re not going to do that to you.” Then he starts to rationalize to us the reasons why he’d be okay if we got it for him. We insist on telling him no. When he won’t stop, I tell him that he’d have to pay 3x the price for it. That got him to go away pretty quickly.

My thoughts on cocaine and drugs in general is this: when done in moderation there is nothing wrong with doing drugs. They can be fun when used responsibly. When done in excess however, drugs, cocaine especially, quickly become a problem, and this is what happened to our poor guy. I personally don’t care for cocaine all too much. I am more the kind of guy that likes to eat mushrooms and gain some perspective on the world.

The poor guy also told us he can get other pills like adderall, but we shove him off. Yeah, you and everybody else on the planet, buddy.

Later, I talked to a teacher and her friend, who actually worked at a place I used to work. Both of these girls were REALLY cute. I opened by saying, “…and I’ll take a lemon drop, thank you.” The girl actually got the lemon drop. I graciously say thank you, but I tell her that I didn’t really want it. We strike up a good conversation, but once again, I can’t hold the line. No sexual intent, no nothing. Conversation without intent means that you are a dancing monkey.

My roommate and other friends arrive on the scene.

We goof around for a little bit. We play some music on the jukebox, then drink a LOT more to the point where I would say I am pretty wasted. King Lear, on the other hand, is slurring his words, which I’ve NEVER seen him do before. He is a pretty big guy that can throw down with the best of them. He must have been off taking shots when I wasn’t around.

Two black girls are waiting for a drink and I talk to them. One of them pulls the afro pick out of my blazer. “How did you know it was there?” I asked her. She says, “I just know.” Nothing really happens there. They walk off five minutes later. Again, a dancing monkey.

PartyGirl and her friend also come through.

PartyGirl is my best friend that’s a girl. I used to work with her and she dates one of my friends. She is really cool and likes to go out a lot. She is hot and all of her friends are hot-I mean the kind of girls that date professional football players.

Our ever expanding group continues to goof around. My roommate tries to holler at PartyGirl’s friend. He also has a black girl that he talked to like two weeks ago on the other side of the bar. My roommate, who is also my best friend, is the man. He doesn’t really try to get women, but always seems to have pretty hot ones around. I wouldn’t say he’s a cassanova, but he does pretty well for himself.

The teacher and her friend, probably after seeing me talking to Party Girl say hello from across the bar. My social value has gone up. I don’t do anything with it, though.

At the end of the night, I start talking to a redhead and get her number. She actually opened me, she said that she liked my dancing and the fact that I always looked like I was having a good time. I messaged her a few times later that night, but I didn’t cut it off soon enough. She stopped messaging me after awhile. Fuck. Maybe I was too needy?

I messaged her a bit during the football game, she seemed pretty receptive. Sometimes being a Dancing Monkey has its advantages!

Still, at the end of the night, I felt disappointed in myself. Mostly this was because I was drunk. I need to stop being outcome dependent. I also need to meditate consistently, this vastly lessens any outbursts 0f anger or sadness I might have, even while drinking.

I know I said I was going to go out tonight, but when I woke up tonight, I made the decision that I would take it easy. I would much rather have a good night of rest, take care of some stuff around the apartment, and arrive to work in good condition tomororw. I might make it out on Tuesday, I haven’t decided yet.

So what are my sticking points?

– Need to set the sexual intent early in the conversation.

– Need to not be outcome depdendent. Need to curb outbursts of sadness and anger-meditation will help.

– Need to be more aggressive.

The Blueprint: 10 Goals for 2009

“Failure is the opportunity to begin again, more intelligently.” – Henry Ford

Last year, I made a list of goals for 2008. I failed at all of them.

This year, I kept those same goals, but added even more. Why? It’s not because I am a masochist that gains some pleasure in watching myself fail, it’s because I feel I can complete these goals. So what’s different about me this year than last year? I am more determined, I realize that I’m not getting any younger, or as Mr. Ford put it, I am starting, “more intelligently.”

With these goals, I try to be more definitive with them and assign quantities wherever applicable.

Also after I list each goal, give a brief description, and maybe a brief history behind the goal, I am going to list the deviations, which are the reasons that I rationalized in my head that it was not a good idea to keep working on that particular goal. Recognizing these thought patterns will lead to me making different decisions. I am also going to list any websites that will assist me in achieving my goals.

1. Use the computer less

I currently use the internet on average 12 hours a day. This is no exaggeration. Sure, on days that I work, I am required to sit in front of a computer for eight, but often I come home and use the internet for another four.

I want to make a conscious effort to cut down my internet usage. A good goal is  about 2 hours a day during the week, and 4 on the weekend. This is still a lot of internet time.

Deviations: A lot of my internet time is spent looking for new porn (see goal #2), and surfing random websites. I absolutely love the random article function on wikipedia. If I can simply be mindful that I am doing these things, then they will stop.

2. Stop Watching Porn

I made great strides in achieving this goal this year. I actually stopped watching for something like 35 days.

There are a number of reasons why I want to stop watching porn. The first being that I spend too much time looking for it. While I don’t actually watch too much porn per se, I will spend hours upon hours searching for good porn to watch. This time could be better spent on any number of more constructive tasks.

Secondly, porn is slowly ruining my sex life. First off, if you spend most of your day wanking off to girls and then try to go out and meet women on your own, you won’t be motivated, because the women are often not as attractive as those in porn, and if you do meet a woman and take her home, you won’t be able to get it up because you spent your whole day whacking off!

The last reason is more ideological in nature. Porn is watching other people having sex. Why am I watching other people having sex? I want to have sex. Why am I not out meeting women on my own?

Mystery advises cutting down on watching porn to once a week for the best results. When you do watch porn however, he says to make it a date for yourself. Like, this prolonged event. If I do feel the need, then I will make Sundays this day.  All in all though, I would like to cut this out of my life entirely.

Deviations: I find myself watching porn the most when I feel particularly bad about myself. I’ll tell myself, “you’re not going to meet any women anytime soon, might as well watch some porn!” When I feel down, it is often the first thing I run to. What’s funny is that after all is said and done, and business is completed, only very rarely do I feel happy about myself. Oftentimes, I feel worse.

New Life Habits

3. Meditate Every Day

Out of all of my accomplishments of 2008, I am the most proud that I really got into zen philosophy. Back in May, I happened upon my local zendo, met some absolutely wonderful people and became really active. I was gung ho for awhile, I meditated twice a day, I went to the zendo once a week, and I even went to an all-weekend sitting. At some point though, I fell off and stopped going until recently.

When examining my mental health to a year prior, I find that I am a lot more calm and humble. I remember times when I was downright suicidal. Meditation has helped me get over that. While I still get sad, it never gets that extreme.

I had a routine going for awhile where I’d wake up 90 minutes before going to work, I’d sit for 20 minutes, shower, and eat breakfast. This was a wonderful way to start my day and I am going to bring it back. It helped me stay on time for work, too.

Deviations: Sitting is a large time investment. I usually try to sit for about 20-30 minutes at a time. Oftentimes, I would sit at work and tell myself that the first thing I’m going to do when I get home is sit, then I would get home, think about all of the things I have to do and I would forgo sitting for whatever I’d have to do.

Also, I think it’s easy to write meditation off as not helpful, because afterall you’re just staring at a wall for an extended period of time. I need to remember just how beneficial meditation can be and I’ll be alright.

4. Exercise/Eat healthy


Earlier this year, back in September, I put myself on a regiment of more exercise and healthier eating. My goal was to gain 20 lbs by the years end. The plan went well for about 3 weeks, then I fell off. In order to gain 20 lbs., it meant lessening the actual amount of food per meal, but increasing my meals to about six per day. This takes an incredible amount of planning/money.

I want to get back on track with this goal. Lifting for an hour 3x a week, and increasing my meals to at least 3 is very reasonable.

Deviation: At some point, I convinced myself that there is nothing wrong with being skinny, which there isn’t. I pointed towards Barack Obama who is a man that is looked upon by many as a very attractive man. However, the truth is 5’11” and 150 lbs. is not a healthy weight.

Stronglifts

5. Apply for new job/Graduate School

2008 was a horrible year for me career wise. I actually ended the year making less than when it started for the second year in a row. I understand that money isn’t everything when considering a job, but I actually hate my current job more, too.

I have been unambitious about my career ever since I had a negative experience working at a non-profit company. I have taken jobs just to get by, without exception.

I want to go to graduate school for library science. I have been saying this for years, but I never apply. This year, I had half an application, with both recommendations submitted, but I never finished the application.

Deviations: Quite simply, I am afraid to fail. I dread the thought of getting a rejection letter so much that I am afraid to even apply. I need to work through this and realize that life is full of taking chances.

6. Meet More Women

If there is one goal I want to succeed at in 2009, it would be this goal. Two years ago, I read The Game and immediately became enthralled with the community. Still, for as much as I go out, I can count the number of women I have truly cold approached on one hand. Getting into pickup led to

I want to start going out at least 2 nights a week and opening 3 women a night.  By the end of the year, I want to have already taken, or be close to taking a bootcamp with RSD.

Deviations: Again, I am afraid to fail. I need to be present, make my two feet move, and open my mouth. It’s that simple.

Real Social Dynamics

7. Learn How to Drive

I will be turning twenty six this year, and this is simply unacceptable. This year, I made a great stride in that I actually took the drivers test, even though I failed.

I want to have a driver’s license, in hand, by March. I will practice 1-2 a week until the test.

Deviations: This goal is dependent on the schedule of others. Oftentimes, I get into the mindset where I tell myself, “oh I shouldn’t bother them!” And as a result, I never pass the test.

8. Better Management of $$$

Ever since I graduated college, I have kept a budget in excel that tracks my spending.  I have noticed that when I look at my budget on at least a weekly basis, I have a lot more money. Whenever I stop looking at my budget, that’s when overspending and overdraft charges come. I need to remember to look at my budget at least once a week.

An underling to this goal is to cut down on drinking and eating out, because a lot of money goes towards those endeavors.

Deviations: I just keep forgetting to be honest. A simple note to remind myself will suffice.

The Simple Dollar

9. Finish rap album

I love hip hop, specifically of the indie variety, although there have been some quality releases this year. When I was in college, I wrote and recorded songs, performed in front of people. I even had my own producer and DJ, who is my current roommate. My roommate gave me enough beats for an album 3-4 years ago, but I have just sat on them. This is maybe the biggest disappointment in my life right now.

This year, I made great strides in that I recorded 3 songs, which is more than the 1 output of years past, but a lot less than when I was at my peak.

I want to start writing for at least an hour 5x a week.

Deviations: A lot of this has to do with self-confidence. Sometimes I’ll tell myself,  ‘oh you’re terrible, you should put the mic down.’ But the fact of the matter is that I have a lot of fun making music, and that’s why I should keep doing it. It would be absolutely wonderful if I could finish that album this year.

10. Be more responsible.

This is more of a catchall goal that encompasses a big problem with my life. The truth is, there are very few things that I take seriously in my own life. For instance, I am rarely ever on-time to any engagement. In fact, I have a habit of leaving at the exact time as when I am supposed to be somewhere, usually. Oftentimes, when I an assignment to do, I mysteriously get sleepy, (as I am right now), and sleep rather than complete the assignment.

Failure due to irresponsibility put me in a horrible mood, and a more concerted effort would go a long way.

So there you have it, goals for 2009. I am sick of staring at this screen after having wrote this long post. I am going to bed!

Oh, before I go…

Big shout out to Zensquared, who left this comment:

Come now, where are those goals? Don’t procrastinate. Post them.

You can always revise them later.

I had been procrastinating, now here they are. Always good when a comment from a stranger motivates you!