Tag Archives: p.j. o’rourke

The Good, the Bad, and the Redhead

“I like to do my principal research in bars, where people are more likely to tell the truth or, at least, lie less convincingly than they do in briefings and books. “- P.J. O’Rourke

Last night was a good night.

It was nearing party time, and I really had no plans to go out. It was like one degree outside and I felt perfectly comfortable chillin’ in my apartment. My friend, Maverick, had been wanting me to roll with him, but like last week I flaked him off.

Instead, the redhead from Wednesday started on a text messaging/calling frenzy around 9pm.  Originally she had told me she was busy and that we should hang out tomorrow, but now she wanted me to come meet her at the bar.

I shrugged and said, “okay.”

I wasn’t doing anything but watching a Ken Burns documentary, so I quickly got dressed, ate some pasta-tuna salad and caught a cab down to the bar she was at.

HAHA! I am laughing just thinking about the events that transpired at the bar.

I arrive at the bar, and the redhead, as soon as she sees me pulls me away into a corner. She is WASTED! We start making out. I think it’s suspicious that she would do such a thing, and I ask her, “yo, are you here with someone else? It’s totally cool if you are, I can leave, no problem.”

I have been in these situations before and can smell them a mile away. She says, “no, I’m not here with anyone else.” I trust her, we make out some more then I go to meet her friends. She is there with two dudes and a girl. One guy has been married for five years and lives in San Francisco. Still, he is trying to hit on the girl in the group, even though as he puts it “she is a DYKE!” His words not mine. We will call him the “adulterer.”

The other guy is this taller, skinny guy that has really low self-esteem. I can tell as soon as I meet him. I quickly guess that she is there with him. I grab a beer and I think about it some more, and I come up with the assumption that this guy doesn’t have many options in his life, but she uses him as the permanent second option. She gets with other guys in his face, and he does nothing about it, just hopes that she will come home with him in the end.

I am getting weird looks throughout the bar, and yes the situation is awkward, but it’s still early and I figure I’ll buy a ticket to this shit show until around 11 or 12 at which point I’ll move on.

After awhile, the redhead goes into the bathroom with the Lesbian for a LONG time, maybe 30 minutes. In the meantime, I take shots of yager with the Adulterer and the Hanger-On.

The Hanger-On and Adulterer work at the same job, except the Adulterer commutes once a month. The Hanger-On could do the same, but he keeps saying that he is not good at his job, he is only there because he is able to fool people that he does a good job. This guy is more pathetic than I thought. At one point I say to the Hanger-On, “man if she doesn’t come back soon, I am going to start talking to other girls!” He quietly responds, “yeah you should!”

During the break, I ask one of the workers there who is also my friend to get me some information on the redhead. Later on in the night he comes back and says, “yeah, i talked to the bar manager and she was going out with Hanger-On heavy in the summer, but now she gets with other guys right in front of her face. But right now, she is making out with the one girl in the bathroom. I  guess she’s just a freak!”

He pats me on the shoulder and says, “the night is young, my friend.”

Indeed, it is.

The pair come out of the bathroom, the Hanger-On sticks a tongue in the redheads ear, she pulls away, she pulls me aside, we make out some more.

The adulterer gets ready to go, and so does the Lesbian. They leave separately. Not long after, the Hanger-On decides to leave, but I really think he is bringing the car around. The neighborhood we’re in is notoriously difficult to park in.

I figure this is my shot to make it plainfully obvious that I am trying to have sex. I tell her that we are going back to her place, we are going to watch a movie and have fun. She says “no, I barely even know you.” She keeps talking about meeting up tomorrow, and I tell her “maybe,” but at this point, I am more like, “fuck this girl.”  She is getting up to leave anyways, so I finish my beer first. I look out the window to see Hanger-On picking her up. I was right!

The night is still young, as my friend said.

It’s 1 degree outside, I call King Lear and he says that he’s at a bar nearer to my house. I tell him that I’ll meet him there. Except on my way there, I take a wrong turn and end up getting lost for the next TWO HOURS in the freezing cold. That is no exaggeration my friends, TWO HOURS! There were points when I could not move a muscle on my face!

At one point, I actually walked through a graveyard which was fine until about halfway through, when I realized I was walking through a graveyard. I instantly became paranoid and scared, the woods in the distance became houses for all kinds of derelicts, in my imagination.

I tried to call my friends, but none of them were answering.

Why I didn’t just go meet Maverick at a nearby bar, I don’t know.

I finally make it home and it’s past 2 AM-all of the bars are closed. I could go to after hours, but I am not up for it at this point. I tried to take a shower, but the cold water in our bathroom was off. I think the pipe froze from the cold! The only option was to take a boiling hot shower. Instead, I treated it like it was a sauna and sat in the steamy bathroom.

Tangent: Does your dick shrivel up when it’s really cold? I have a pretty nice sized penis, but it was smaller than I had ever seen it after being out in the cold! I started to become scared that this was permanent!

After I warmed up a bit, I put on some porn, but again I just wasn’t interested. I finally went to sleep.

Now why did I say this was a good night? As far as the events of the night were concerned this was a terribly SHITTY night. Seriously, I can’t even remember the last time I had a night worse than this.

Well my friends, it was a good night because of my reactions. In the past, when I would have figured out she was there with another dude, I would have been shattered. I would have flipped out on her and acted like a total idiot. Instead, I was like this is pretty funny and it’s early, I’ll stick around for this, then head somewhere else.

Also, during the long walk, I probably would have had suicidal thoughts. I remember, after having an eerily similar situation a year ago, I was so drunk and so sad, that I walked down the middle of a road, yelling for “THE WORLD TO TAKE ME!” all the meanwhile bawling crying. I am lucky I didn’t die then.

The redhead messaged me at 8AM this morning: “WHAT happened last night?” HAHA! She knows, she just doesn’t want to admit it!

I will probably talk to her again, but not for awhile-probably not today. After all, I do want to get laid. I just don’t want to deal with bullshit like last night. I honestly don’t care if she dates other dudes, I just don’t want her to see other dudes when she is supposed to be meeting up with me. I think that is common sense. Any chance for a relationship is over at this point, I will just keep it casual. I also won’t go out of my way for her anymore.

Man, I am really proud that I didn’t flip out last night! FUCK YEAH!