“I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.” – Marilyn Monroe
Last Wednesday night, the electricity here went out for a good 18 hours. There were hurricane like winds and I guess shit got blown out.
Obviously, I wasn’t able to post for a day or two. However, even afterward, I was out of the habit, and it’s taken me this long to get back on the horse.
Since we’re looking at the past, let’s look at how the past weekend went:
I got bored sitting at home with no electricty, so I went over to King Lear’s. Toegether, we were bored out of our minds and decided that we should take advantage of the relatively good weather and take a stroll across town. He brought his camera and we had an adventure. We saw some people we knew, met some new people, checked out a few lesser known sites of the city, it was all around a good time.
Around 8:45 we headed to the bar.
Nothing of note really happened, outside of TeacherGirl making an appearance. I had met TeacherGirl last week and thought I really hit it off with her, but when I called texted her at the number she gave me later that night, it was the wrong digits.
When she said hello, I didn’t mention the wrong number because maybe I’ve read too many PUA texts and generally they said that would be a bad idea. Still, I had a hard time masking that I was angry at her, so much so that she came back later and said that I seemed angry at her. I told her, “no, not at all.” This was a complete lie, because of course my feelings were hurt. But that was how I WANTED To feel.
It’s hard to put the ego down sometimes. It feels like, no matter how hard I try, I am still very much attached to this world. The point is to stop trying, the enlightened buddhist might say. I am thinking too much.
Anyways, I tried to chat her up, but after like a minute she interrupted and told me she had to go. Very awkward exchange. Part of it is because King Lear was rude to her. The next day I pondered whether she had just been in error in giving me the number or whether she had intentionally given me the wrong number. If the number she typed in was error, then she was probably pissed that I never called.
I guess I’ll never know. If I see her again, I COULD confront her about it, but even if she did, she’d probably deny it, and I’d get the number out of pity.
I am THINKING too much. Fuck, I am a chode. I am going to assume good faith, and if I ever do see her again, tell her that I think she mistyped her number into my phone and that’s why I never called. It’s honest and non-accusatory, I like it.
We went to after hours later and somehow made it like 14 hours of drinking constantly. I had a nice buzz going, but I wasn’t drunk because I didn’t want to repeat last week.
I didn’t go out on Friday for the second week in a row. It’s hard when you put in Thursdays like that. Not this week though, I am going to do all three days this weekend.
I went out by myself.
No one I roll with wanted to go out, and I had stuff to do until around 11-11:30, so I went to a nearby bar where my friends were spinning and they had *gasp* a pudding wrestling competition.
Now, there are a number of a reasons a pudding wrestling competition doesn’t appeal to me. Firstly, I went to college and I was in a frat, so I’ve seen many pudding/jello/plain wrestling competitions in my day. Secondly, in an over-sexualized society where I can see Ava Devine get blasted in her vagina and her asshole at the same time with a few clicks of the mouse, something as tame as a pudding wrestling competition isn’t going to do anything for me. Lastly, I go out to talk to girls, and pudding wrestling didn’t strike me as a place to talk to women.
I stayed until the first round was over then I headed to another bar.
I ran into HipsterGirl at the next bar. HipsterGirl is the one I ate mushrooms with not too long ago. I come in just as her friends are leaving. We talk for awhile about whatever.
She tells me at one point, “I really like hanging out with you…” while staring into my eyes, which would have been any self-respecting man’s invitation for a full makeout session, but nope. I dropped the ball.
We head back to the pudding wrestling because she wants to, but the nights over. I don’t know why I wasted our time. After that, we went to a random house party where she kinda knew the people living there. She started talking to this dude she knew and I felt out of place so I left.
She asked me at one point, “Should I be leaving with you…?”” And I simply said, “No, stay.” I think my ego was bruised at this point because she was paying more attention to this guy than me, but there is this feeling inside me that I just didn’t care if she came back to my place or not. Maybe I am just not attracted to her like that.
Maybe it’s, like I said before, that I was looking more forward to seeing Ava Devine get blasted with two dicks than actually bringing a girl home myself.
SO HERE WE ARE AT A NEW WEEK!
Routine-wise, I hope to pick up where last week left off. I have been exercising, meditating, and writing rhymes every morning/afternoon, depdending on when I wake up. I want to add a little running at some point – that’ll happen this weekend and eventually, move my meditation up to 30 minutes. Twenty minutes feels so short!
Most importantly though, I want to put down the porn for a little while. I don’t watch it nearly as much as I used to, but I still feel like it ruins my experiences when I go out. A once a week binge would be good.
The problem is, that I don’t get excited about sex. I get nervous about it, because I am not sure if I’ll be good in bed or not. For porn however, since I am not dependent on anyone, I am totally in control.
Ah, I’m thinking too much again. I need to assume that I’ll always perform well, and enjoy sex as sex. Live in the present moment, motherfucker.
One day it’ll click for me, you’ll see!